Virtual ramblings

Who’s your Daddy?

Mine! And I cannot express in words what this pic does with me.

I have a Daddy (Dom) in SL

This is not a joke. And no I also did not lose my mind or change of personality which makes me openly admit here and now I have a Daddy Dom lover and feel very much at ease and at home with that. Regular readers will know his name and also know we were lovers already for a while, until I defined it as FAILED for several reasons that made sense for me at that time and still do for that time. I will add the blogs related to the blog of today below for who is interested to (re) read the whole story.

Cyber love
Desires in the Metaverse
It failed

 

So what changed this time again?

With the risk of making myself look like an idiot who changes her opinions as if she changes clothes I only can say clothes are changed daily and mind shifts are a long process of digestion, reflection, learning, self-analysis and struggle with RL and SL love being each others competitors. What we need and want also is a difference. I can want a lot, but not need it really. I can need a lot as well and then the WANT part becomes a more essential one I long for as part of my existence. Such needs/wants are far less easy to do without and ignore.

That having said and after many self-research I now am convinced to have a ‘thing’ with the so called Alpha male, the natural dominant personality in the male version so to speak. This ‘thing’ I refer to has been present in me since  years already (before Second Life as well).  Simply said: I  feel attracted to be dominated in a certain way.  I know the other role is called submission, but that word is not so perfect for me to be honest. I do not see myself as a submissive person, I am way too assertive and direct for that. I do however experience specific submissive longings in me,  just I never have found a way and opportunity to make it real.  I know for a fact it only can be activated by someone who knows how to get there. Someone who feels what is inside and has a good compatibility to drag it out and shape it, nurture it and of course control it.

This process of dragging it out can be pretty scary at first, because it generates new intensities and feelings in a spectrum I am not experienced with. To give in and submit is quite a challenge and can feel like giving away all control and all freedom, with suffocation as result.  Fears, too much, too fast, too whatever, combined with insecurities and inexperience are a bitch, with a negative effect on both partners. But time was gentle and patient. So was the person who now again is my lover in SL. So was I as well.  This made us reconnect in a new way, without the previous itches that made me define it as FAILED. I could call it NAILED now maybe, *yes cheap joke* , because how we entered this D/s world now feels totally natural and like coming home to a place where I can explore a new, yet very old part of myself.

 

And how about RL?

When married and in a loving relationship, like I am, a virtual love relation is very complex when a choice will be made to do it secret. What does it tell about me when I hide to be in love in SL and in a D/s relation even. It tells me I fear the possible consequences for one thing. It also tells me I am not very honest to the man I share my life with. Actually it is respectless and ethically incorrect. To feel guilt about it, yet continue, does not change that. Guilt is not to be mistaken as eraser for bad acts. This always has been my biggest dilemma with virtual love, the friction it creates with the RL love, especially when the RL love is good and not something you want to miss.

I know many people see a virtual love as a sign for RL love not being ok, but I strongly disagree on that. I do think it is really hard to find a RL love being so perfect, you would not feel any longings for more or other tastes. Time also kicks in when married, making a RL love less exciting on one hand, but safer and more secured on the other hand.  Virtual love, new tastes, other experiences, they all win easily when compared only on a scale of excitement. Not really fair to compare old love and new love in that limited way.  So I do not and and I also chose to be honest about having a virtual lover. I know it could have been the end of  the virtual love story when my husband would go mad and jealous or sad and insecure. Luckily for me and the ‘Daddy’ this is not the case.  I even am encouraged to explore my kinky side and be me in this other world and reality.  Not meaning I can do all  I want (there are some reasonable restrictions), but I can do a lot.

Such a permission is generous and asks for an open mind and deep trust. It shows he knows I love him and will not lose my dedication to us. It also shows he loves me and likes to see me happy, knowing that a D/s between himself and me is no option at all. I only can have deep gratefulness for such a gift. I also am grateful to have met the man in SL who can now take me on a journey into a realm of new senses.

 

You a babygirl? Come on!

Yes yes, I know what you mean, ok? The fact I am not English, makes the word even more difficult for me, so I prefer GIRL and not Babygirl myself. Little girl can be ok when I feel little.  I am rational and analytical in most cases, but don’t we all have this soft romantic gem inside as well when we feel loved, treasured and seek safety and security in a lover?  Well I do at least. When in love, really in love. I am a hopeless romantic person, doing things only romantics do :) Being strong and a survivor due to RL shit in my past, I know how to be tough and hard when it is needed, but once you have been damaged and exposed to traumatic events,  you sometimes will face the alter ego of your past. The (little) girl inside who never could be the girl she wanted to be back then, suddenly will reappear and feel lost, afraid and abandoned again.  I think there is nothing more beautiful than to give that girl space now and a safe place as well, so she can reunite and merge with her present existence and feel more complete. This (little) girl appears in RL as well  and gets her safety there too, so in SL that will be not different except that it is in a D/s setting with its own vocabulaire and context.

 

Affairs and such

 

 

An affair is an affair when it is hidden. That’s why I can look myself in the eyes every day now and do not have to call my virtual love an affair. For those who cannot be that honest with a RL love, there is hope however. And I do not judge you by the way when I write things like disrespect and dishonesty. I only feel it like that for me myself and I in my life. My standards and ethics do not necessarily have to be the best, or only ones. I just seek a way to not feel bad with a RL love being accompanied by a virtual love.  So where is the hope?  It is in a TED talk by Esther Perel.  She gets rid of the idea every affair is a sign of lacking love for the one you are married with.  People having an affair do not always start an affair because they do not love their partner anymore, but because they seek a new part of  themselves they cannot find within their relation. When the affair is discovered it therefore does not have to mean the end of a relationship. It can create new insights in each others needs. How to proceed with that is of course the ultimate challenge (end of affair or end of marriage or some other solution in between)  and not always easy or successful, but I find her talk very refreshing and reasonable.  And FYI: No, I do not use her talk to justify my SL lover, and again I do not call that an affair, because not hiding it :)

 

Time for some music now

GOOD ENOUGH  –  EVANESCENCE
I dedicate this song to both lovers :)
I dedicate in a different way to them but cherish that equally.
………
Under your spell again
I can’t say no to you
Crave my heart and it’s bleeding in your hand
I can’t say no to you
Shouldn’t let you torture me so sweetly
Now I can’t let go of this dream
I can’t breathe but I feel
Good enough
I feel good enough for you
Drink up sweet decadence
I can’t say no to you
And I’ve completely lost myself and I don’t mind
I can’t say no to you
Shouldn’t let you conquer me completely
Now I can’t let go of this dream
Can’t believe that I feel
Good enough
I feel good enough
It’s been such a long time coming
But I feel good
And I’m still waiting for the rain to fall
Pour real life down on me
‘Cause I can’t hold on to anything
This good enough
Am I good enough
For you to love me too?
So take care what you ask of me
‘Cause I can’t say no

 

Don’t tell me you are collared as well . . . .

Yes even that  . . . .
Why?
Because it fits me with this love and is kinky like hell.
If you don’t understand I will not blame you for it. :)
I am equal to the one that has me on this delicious leash, I am not a pussy  (err ok a bit, but that’s physical)

 

You really wrote this and are not hallucinating?

Hell yes and hell no.
But if you see me different now than before I can understand.
I never exposed this side of me so clear.
Now I do :)

 

And when it fails again?

Then something went wrong I suppose. I do not think I have exclusive rights on succes or failures. I do know when never diving into the deep, you will not feel deep either. Sometimes depth is worth a risk  . . .   but we lowered the risk to a very low level because we learned how to adapt to each other.  And sure, when it would fail after all I probably will read this paragraph and call it bullshit, but hey   . . . .  love is never free of risks, it is build on it.

 



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