When glowing does not stop
It’s time for a public confession. Not because I feel guilty of something, but because I refuse to feel bad on something and also refuse to hide myself from the possibility of shaking heads or judgements. Regular readers (thank you for that) know about my ongoing struggles/battles/challenges with the concept of love and especially virtual love. I always am somewhere between not wanting to lose control and wanting to lose it all when love happens to me. I always resist to new love with the general idea it will cause troubles and therefore better be rejected. Hurts and fears always at a close range make it not easier to be able to look at love as something one should embrace just like that, even if love in itself never is a bad thing and something the world desperately needs to become a better place.
So yes, I have been writing a lot the past few months on having met someone I really liked /loved and how that challenged my need for independence and control, as well as my need for wanting to go all the way down the rabbit hole. One thing is clear. I never want to end up in a relation of any kind that has the smell of something obligatory, full of expectations or shallow and meaningless. It almost sounds arrogant and impossible, but when I relate with someone it has to be free of feeling not free. That’s not the same as no commitment and dedication. It is not wanting to be expected to be someone I am not. To do things I do not want to do or cannot do. I want to be able to be completely me without any kind of restrictions on that. Why? Because that’s what keeps me sane, happy and free from pretending or playing a role. I know it could easily give the impression I want to be able to fuck around, make no promises, won’t commit and all other kinds of potentially restrictive measures.
But that’s where you go wrong, if that’s what you assume it is I need when I relate and love someone deeply. The thing is that commitment and dedication only are restrictive when they are demanded as a kind of security measure. That would create a set of rules I need to obey, no matter what. But when I love someone deeply and relate with that person, I myself create commitment and dedication because I want it to be like that and even cannot be different when it is really serious and deep. When I fall in love in such a way, there is no way back to feeling free to date others or feeling free to share the same kind of intimacy with others. When I fall in love it closes all doors for others. I do need to mention one exception here and that of course is the situation of also being into a RL love with its own commitment and dedication. I have to separate that from virtual love. Not because the love feels different, but because they are different realities, both real and valuable. I guess such commitments and dedications are able to exist simultaneously, without affecting the concept of being exclusive, even if you also can just call it multiple monogamy, which is in fact impossible. Okay, I am impossible, so be it ; )
That being said I today just like to confess to have fallen in love in a way I tried to resist for a long time. Still I also know that it is a love I would recommend myself and others, because free of not feeling free. I am not stuck in something that will suffocate easily, bore easily or become toxic. It took me 8 months to feel secure and safe enough to confess to myself it really is ok and a lot of persistence in battling with fears for virtual love. But yes it is inevitable and inescapable I/we have to go this way now, even when realising it maybe would be more wise to not do so, when only listening to our rational voice and try to consider ourselves to be stronger than certain needs inside. One can even start to doubt if it is a need or a want. A desire or an essential element. But pfff, when we start to question all we call love and feel as love, we better buy ourselves an iglo to not freeze to death of our own cold protective atmospheres.
I have talked about this before and in that sense not a new confession, but because that situation was different and did not really grow into something with deep trust and safety, I deleted that blog. For a long time it actually made me believe I was all wrong about my own feelings. But I was not . . . because it still is there and even stronger than ever. I refer to something that may cause knee-jerk reactions in terms of being into something perverted or infantile. I do not really care what people think of it. If I would care I would hide it and pretend to be in a standard kind of relation everyone can accept. But yes, I am in a Daddy Dom/ Little girl relation so to speak. And yes I also know how many find that hard to imagine in general and also with me. I cannot know precisely how people look at me, feel me. Everyone will have its own perception and assumptions, based on their personal interactions with me and on how they sense me from my blogs, but I think not many would define me as a typical submissive girl/character. The word typical says it all maybe in this. I indeed can be totally not submissive and in many cases like to show a more opposite side of that. I can be very tough for instance. A ‘do not fuck with me’ attitude is not unusual for me when it comes to certain parts of myself I feel like needing protection/ promotion or support. This is how most people will know me, especially the ones not knowing me very close and intimate. The ones closer to me know more, but also not all. I am very good at hiding things I consider to be very personal and extremely private. Also because it often takes too much effort to explain why I feel like I feel and is not understood. Or to simply prevent gossips and silly conclusions. Sharing all of me is limited to very very very few.
Basically only the ones really deep into me (nope not only sexually, on the contrary even I would say) understand my preference for this Daddy Dom/ Little girl dynamic. Only they have a certain insight into how it fits me when I go there and walk into that space with the one I love. It took me several years to discover this in myself and Mea Culpa for even having laughed at it before myself as well. But since I allowed it to become something I feel as my core and decided to leave shame on that behind me, I know that’s what makes me happy. It provides the safe and warm feeling of being cared for and I am not ashamed to admit I crave for that. The sexual dynamic is another space, but also one I love in this context. To not have to be the one to initiate all and be in control is just wonderful. To be able to feel totally free of all I learned is bliss. I grew up with the idea I should find all male dominance not ok. Men and women are supposed to be equal and women should free themselves of males being in control. And no matter how much I can agree on that where it concerns things like getting paid equally for the same job or not being expected to be the only one to raise kids and that kind of things, I do not agree on it where it comes to biological, genetic and evolutionary differences. Those cannot be erased and also do not need to be shaped into something similar where they never will be similar.
How lovely is it to value such differences as traits for a great dynamic in a relation. Even in homo-erotic relations there often is one of the two being a more masculine type and the other a more feminine type. Alpha and non-alpha can exist in males and females yes, but to think male dominance is wrong and female dominance is right makes no sense. A man is a man and a woman is a woman, how more simple can it be? Do not touch natural differences . . . let them be as they are, with all variations and mixed types as well. The gender fluid people are different as well and also should not be expected to be something neutral, as if they stop to exist to be anything all of a sudden. That category – gender neutral -, to me it it sounds as if you are not human anymore when receiving such a label. I do not even understand how someone can be happy with that. Yayyy, I am gender neutral? It means you are not male or female anymore? It means you are both? It means you are the most ideal son or daughter in law of the world because so heavenly neutral you never will feel like a threat to anyone? You are the upgraded male and female? I am sure it once started with the best possible intentions, against discrimination and being unseen, disrespected and unvalued, but I think this whole gender neutral correctness creates a standard that does not really exist and makes people feel uneasy.
Don’t try to create an artificial uniformity, rather focus on equivalency. Don’t tell a river it is the same as a sea or has to try to become one, or vice versa. If a river wants to merge with a sea, fine, do so, by all means, just don’t tell it to be nothing anymore because of that. The opposite is true. It became more diverse and more different. Anyway, that’s a subject for another time maybe. But just to show how easily we destroy a natural balance, by forcing people into something unnatural, mistaking differences for not being of the same value. Instead of valuing every difference for its own existence, there seems to be this belief that when we erase differences , all will be good because no more reason for discrimination. But it takes away identity and personality, it takes away being unique and your natural being. It makes you a remote controlled drone and clone, fitting into a low profile society. Only neutralise when it makes sense, like with abuse of power. When dominance is abused you have my blessings to attack it and take it down, neutralise it. But that’s for all people . . . even the non-existing gender neutral ones. Just please stay away from making it something bad by definition. Use another word for it if domination sounds too negative. Authority, alpha, charismatic, leader, whatever makes you feel ok. I guess women like to speak of girl power when it comes to showing their strength but also that can often be like ugh when it is used in a way that makes me puke. As if girl power only can be a good thing. They also can just be a bitch you know and disguise it as girl power . . ; )
It’s just being kinky?
To be totally clear for anyone who still thinks that feeling happy with a Daddy Dom is something strange or perverted, I am not into age play or incest or anything alike. It is more a very gentle, playful, and affectionate dynamic in which I can let go of being tough, afraid, insecure and controlling. To know someone actually can overpower me also feels like wow, because that takes a lot I think. See, I am very used to taking care of myself and managing my own life and it feels like a relief and great relaxation to allow someone else to take control and me stepping back. Also scary yes, because when used to take or have control it becomes your modus operandi. So, when someone can take that down into me, or actually me feeling like wanting to take it down myself for the other, that tells me it is someone I can rely on for standing up for something, someone and me. Someone who will not just allow others to overstep boundaries and also keep an eye on me not losing it when I panic or need comfort. Simply said, I feel such energy as an authority that makes me want to literally kneel down for it. And instead of that being silly, it feels natural and cozy and also thrilling and arousing. Very cuddly and warm as well. Being kinky I relate to sex. And yes I think I am kinky, and any relation with a dominant partner has a kinky character I think as well, but to therefore call such relations just being kinky, as if all is based on sex, I find a very shallow and odd conclusion. I also never could be like that, only kinky and only sex.
Does it always work?
Well no, clearly not. It needs the right persons together who feel it in the same way. I do not feel it with my RL husband in the same way as in SL for instance. And that’s fine. He is not what I would or could call a Daddy, yet also very caring and loving and someone who also will stand up for me. Strong and independent in his own way, but not a Daddy dom mind/character. And that makes me feel less submissive. We all adjust to whom we are with in ways of how we show and feel ourselves in relation to that person. And that’s totally ok and natural as well. It needs two to tango, like always and every tango has its own style and spirit.
Being into a Daddy Dom relation or not does not tell anything about the depth and quality of the relation either. It is not a competitive thing. Just different and each with its own special ways of connecting. So, I did not marry the wrong man or something like that. It is easy to go there, in a mind, thinking to be in the wrong marriage, but no, I am absolutely convinced I am not, for reasons I don’t feel like sharing here. Too complex anyway. Every relation has its own treats and unique character, and someone being a Daddy Dom is one of the treats I value for myself but it is not required to be happy in love and marriage.
There are many variations in Daddy Doms. I always would need the soft hearted ones. Not the ones that are into dehumanising, humiliation, pain and other pretty extreme things. It has to be sweet, playful and caring, always. I am not broken or anything like that either, despite having had many very tough years filled with anxieties and mind torturing elements. I do not seek help for being fixed . . I fixed myself for the greater part. But it is comforting that when I have an off day or when a trigger hits my mind in the wrong way, I know it will be ok to show it. Also in RL btw, just to be clear one more time I am being cared for in both worlds. Actually I am pretty spoiled one could say. Oh and yes he knows of this, the RL husband, about me having a Daddy. Since this week. I never dared to share it before. But this week felt like a good moment. And he is totally ok with it. I am lucky to have such an open minded husband. Just saying . . .
So who is he and why do you like him so much?
What I like most I guess in the man I call Daddy is him not pushing me into anything I fear or dislike. To not feel the pressure of having to shape myself into someone’s expectations on me is what makes it work for me. To be present in my natural way of being, to just want me to be happy and to only want me to do things because of me wanting and liking to do them myself. I am not talking of sex here explicitly. It touches all, like it does in a relation we consider to be serious and deep. Trust always is one the keys when we love someone. That is something we only can give and receive by sharing and believing it to be genuine. Maybe the most vulnerable part of a relation as well, because it can be harmed easily when we act without enough awareness on the impact of our acts. It often is not even a deliberate act of being harmful, when we do. It even can happen by doing nothing at all, called neglect. Like silence looks peaceful but can be a terrible act of ignorance. So yes, trust is a risky and complex element of a relation and it takes courage and an open mind, but it is what I feel with the man I talk about. It indicates I trust myself as well in this, because otherwise I could not give trust.
I actually am pretty suspicious on SL love, as well as self-protective, but when all fits and feels good, I lose power over my shields. So yes, after several months of doubts and fears I just had to give in, knowing that when someone passes all shields, it must be worth something and is not a temporary meaningless flirt. Plus he just is a brilliant, powerful, humorous and playful mind. It sounds arrogant maybe, but I do need intelligence and someone I feel as different. An outsider? Not someone who will follow the flock but someone who likes to walk alone and chooses his own ways. I prefer what we call ‘eigenzinnigheid’ (wayward is the word maybe for that?) above being average and predictable. Someone that activates my intuition and spirit into a feeling of YES, without needing a performance, act or play. Flattering as tool never works with me when it comes to trying to get my attention. Those are nice once you have a relation, as extra value and appreciation. So when I sense someone is just being kind and interesting without all that play, I will sit straight and feel attracted. The attraction with this man was present almost instantly, like in a split second, and it never got away again, also not when trying really hard to not need it. I started to glow in March and the glowing did not stop. It could tell me I have a superbe intuition or that love has ways of connecting we never will really understand. Screens or no screens between two people, it seems to make no difference when minds attract each other.
I am not going to mention a name here. The gossip machines will do that for you most likely anyway in due time. I did mention names sometimes in other blogs, always with consent though, but I somehow feel it as inappropriate this time myself. Because not the type that likes to be in the center of any world, more an observer and away from the public arena’s. It would feel cheap, like I advertise someone and want to brag with it in the wrong way. I mean, I totally brag as we speak of course, but you know, that’s more me liking and even needing to put and share all thoughts and feelings into words, to feel better what is inside. As if when I write it, speak it, it becomes more solid and accessible. As if it materialises into something I can touch and embrace more clear. I make it a fact instead of a dream when I write about it. That’s why writing somehow always reliefs me. Not from stress, but from not wanting to isolate what is inside and not withhold myself. Not wanting to hide anymore for myself and my mind. Learn that all I feel is ok and not something forbidden or strange. Surrendering to a mind is not something we decide to do, it is something that happens. But when it happens it is something we choose to keep doing when we dare to not doubt ourselves or the other. I guess writing on what happened to me shows I dare to not doubt. And it feels great to have no doubts. Quite rare actually . . .
I Surrender – Crosby & Nash
I guess this says better what it feels like when you cannot really resist anymore.
I think every love is a form of surrender.
A Daddy Dom relation has an extended form of surrender due to the specific character of it.
I can hear the sweetest voice
Sounding out across the distance
Breaking through the noise
And then a touch so tender
No more indecision
I try and keep my cool
But just as I suspected
I don’t make the rules
No more great pretender
I want to be your lover
No more great pretender
I want to be your lover