We tied the knot
Tie the knot
In my own language we use a similar phrase for ‘Tie the knot’. We say: ‘Ik heb hem/haar gestrikt’. We all know what it means I assume. These words are being said when someone agrees to be your partner in love. Though in my own country the words also can be used for other things like for instance succeeding in getting an interview with someone, or a person doing a certain job for you. But in general it always stands for making a pledge, when someone agrees to tie the knot. In case of partnering it means you willingly and knowingly accept to pursue a lasting unity, an unbreakable pledge. Marriages are based on such vows.
I am married RL. So to also partner in Second Life is at least controversial, when you take such a bond seriously, not in terms of having a ceremonial meaning only. But, against all odds and me always saying to find partnering in Second Life not a good thing for me to do and even a bit silly when married already, I did agree to be tied in such a way last week. I have to add the agreeing is based on permission from my RL partner, to be clear I am not taking it light and easy. It means something. It does not change my feelings and views on what already was there with the partner, but it is being confirmed to ourselves and others that it exists and may be seen as such. An act of being happy and proud at what has been developed, not in the last place because of the way how we finally got there, with several break-ups and issues causing fears and insecurities questioning if it really is something we wanted to last. Relations are like that, dealing with itches, it is nothing new, but in Second Life such itches often lead to impulsive break-ups, because no RL kids or job or shared house to take care of, making it easier to feel less responsible for the impact and consequences of a break.
In fact I agreed last week to be monogamous with 2 partners. I know how that sounds hahahaha. It is impossible yet also not when one of the partners is an avatar. But of course it only makes sense to describe it this way, when monogamy means you have no physical intimacy with the other and when you agree to see a virtual body as not physical. See, everything depends on how we define . .
Esther Perel knows all about how definitions change however during time, so basically partners need to define their own boundaries to make a relation work. It is clear I think in my situation: We do not consider a virtual relationship, no matter how real the feelings in itself are, as a violation of a monogamous RL relation and vice versa. It takes however consent of all persons involved to be able to accept and see it in that way. Fears and insecurities are not good guides in that, which means it works best with stability (in love and life) in all persons involved and with a big awareness of possible fragile elements. To know them means you can anticipate on them. That helps . . . . yes really it does.
Monogamy used to be one partner for life.
Today it is one partner at a time.
To tie, be tied and allowed to tie
So, who ‘tied’ me . .
This dude did: Daddio Dow
And he was so happy he told his Facebook friends with a screenshot as proof :) I think he made a little mistake however in how he shared it (sorry DD ^^) and I know it looks as if I am nitpicking now, but let me explain. ‘I tied the knot’ he says. In a strict way that means I did nothing. But it takes 2 to tango, so I tied the knot as well in this.
My husband maybe even more by allowing us to show our love in a more official way by partnering. It takes 2 to tango and 3 to make it swing I suppose. Let’s call the third one the composer/controller of how far we can dance and how long we can dance without having to dance behind a screen of secrecy. This is the reason why I chose my blog title: We tied the knot :)
Love of course cannot REALLY be controlled with buttons to switch it on and off, so trust will be the main ingredient after all, to not abuse freedom and act with respect. See the quote below for what love means according to a character from the very interesting series Sense8
Love is not something we wind up, something we set or control. Love is just like art. A force that comes into our lives without any rules, expectations or limitations.
— Hernando (Sense8 Series)
It looks as if love always should be allowed to happen when reading that, because love never can be wrong and just happens. I tend to say yes and no both. Yes, love is never a bad thing in yourself and in the other, but when there is a third party, love suddenly can have huge implications which makes it less easy and less obvious being a good thing only. And even between 2 dedicated lovers love can hurt and damage as well when certain elements destroy the harmony and balance.
Rules and limitations will not prevent a love against destruction, but to agree on a certain set of behaviours, do’s and don’ts, can lower the risk. It only works when the lovers both agree on a need for it, to want to invest in each others fears and insecurities, to want to dedicate to the love and to not expose it to unnecessary threats. Harmless is only harmless when none of the lovers is affected in a bad way and with negative consequences. In Second Life life is more fluid and love as well. It is impossible to totally escape seductive acts from others. It is very easy to flirt and be the wannabe for someone who likes you. It is fun, but also a bit too easy maybe in Second Life. to have a freedom to act like someone you would not like to be in real life or want as partner in RL. The charm of Second Life love, virtual love, is maybe not the easy way to get it, but the hard way to consolidate it despite not having a physical body and RL presence.
Like I said before, consequences of our acts in Second Life are less dramatic than in real life. I think I can say this for myself: Freedom is a feeling, not a set of rules only. When I feel happy with certain limitations and even better, when I choose to limit myself for the sake of a love I want to dedicate to, there is no such thing as being suffocated and feeling caged. When suffocation enters a relation, the feeling of freedom disappears. It is better to have boredom as reason to doubt a love than suffocations. Boredom and suffocation can both lead to cheats and break-ups, I know, but suffocation is a much stronger toxic and touches the essence of not being happy with a love anymore. Boredom is not a sign of being unhappy with a love, it is a sign you need to find a way in what is needed to ADD to the love to keep it good. Boredom is a bit like being settled en feel ok with that, but missing the sparkles of before a bit. The love itself still is strong and present. Suffocation already took a part of the love away and is much harder to fix. You do not only miss the sparkles, you also miss the love.
No tongue in cheek
Avicii, who alas committed suicide this year (April 2018), is one of the musicians featured in Sense8. I like to share Feeling Good. Because that’s how I feel now. Taking hurdles in love is exhausting, I really feel it like that, because I take it serious when it happens (for many maybe too serious), but when you succeed to do so together, it also is extremely rewarding and deepens a bond that seriously can be called to be a knot like this:
Francis Grose, in his 1811 edition of The Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue listed the ‘knot tied with the tongue’ with specific reference to marriage.
“He has tied a knot with his tongue, that he cannot untie with his teeth: that is, he is married.”
Sooooo, Daddiooooo, we are having a serious tie here. One that cannot be broken so easily. Maybe only sometimes a tie-break :) Nope, no tongue in cheek that last one, because it is part of who we are and only good to have such challenges as well.
Hell no! I already hate weddings in RL, let alone in Second Life. Thank God I am not the only one in that, winks at Daddio ^^
Love versus hate?
A nice thing to end with maybe is this. Did you know hate is not the opposite of love? The reason they always are mentioned together is not based on being opposites but because they exist from the same emotion of passion. The opposite of love is egoism. If all you can think of is YOU in a love relation or in life, you are bound to become the selfish unlovable person you so despise to fall in love with yourself when it comes to it. Love means altruism, to want the other to feel good to feel good yourself as well. When both partners relate in that way of dedicating to each other, it is a wonderful thing I allow myself to call magic. Even so a magic that takes hard work at times and will be provoked regularly, but boy, how boring life is when harmony is your only dish.