Exactly what it says. I am to be distrusted, especially by myself.
Trust is something we cannot just trust, as if it is something we can exactly weigh on a scale.
We cannot measure it.
We also cannot prove it.
We can experience it, feel it, but not touch and see it.
We can share it but not store it into a box.
We can achieve it and lose it but we will not find it back in the same way or not find it back at all.
Trust is invisible in itself.
Like a phantom.
But trust can make us do great things, acts.
It explains why trusting on acts is more reliable than trusting on words only.
Trust is something we need to work for in order to be able to act in a way that connects you with yourself and/or someone else. It cannot be forced, nor demanded, it has to grow.
That’s not so easy, right?
No, it is not and even after growing into deep trust over a long time, trust can be destroyed in a few seconds when someone somehow finds it impossible to act in a way that keeps the trust secured. I think when that happens there must have been a form of false trust (being mislead) together with a lack of insight (blind faith in trust), or something totally disrupting no one ever expected to happen causing someone to break trust. To break a bit of trust or all trust is a difference of course, there are many variables from possible to repair to beyond repair, all depending on context, willingness and being able to talk and adjust. Trust I guess is a bit selfish . . . because we need it but will not give it so easy when there is a high risk of getting disappointed in not being returned the same kind of trust. But once it is there, it is a very satisfying, safe and warm state of being. You then know you really can rely on someone. Or at least you choose to do so because you feel safe enough with someone to call it trust. Trust is less about knowing it than feeling it. You have to know the feeling instead of a definition. Trust never is guaranteed to exist forever just like that, like with love. Love and trust are related to each other obviously.
You still want definitions as well?
There are so many. And they all are nice to read. But to apply those as a kind of brain implant and act on that in the best possible way is silly. It is not a repetitive series of acts you can just do, like exercising in the gym. It is something you have to stimulate and allow to happen. To let him or her invade your very personal space and to dare to give it to someone else yourself. That means you give the other a big part of you in their hands. Which part? The part that says you will stand by him or her and will not let that person down. The part that says he or she is allowed to do things without needing explicit consent because you know they will do the right thing. The part that says you know me like I know myself. The part that says I can share my deepest thoughts and feelings with you and still feel ok. The part that makes it possible to feel not embarrassed to share what you would never share with others. The part that says it is ok to be insecure with you. The part that says it is ok I make mistakes with you. The part that says it is wonderful to be with you. Wow. That is . . . impossible?
Nothing is impossible in trust. You define it, you decide if you give it space to grow, you decide if it is worth a risk, you decide if it feels ok and finally you even decide if it can be called trust, a space free of doubts on someone else and yourself. High standards are recommended I would say, but also that is relative and personal, because trust is never the same for everyone and also depends on your own personal fears that can block it and need a 100 times extra reassurance before believing it to really exist. Trusting someone else starts with trusting yourself and believing in yourself. If you believe you can do something, the chance you will succeed is bigger. So, believing you can trust yourself, trust someone else and share trust with someone else, will activate you to do effort in a positive way. Trust with others to me is a mix of input, output, reciprocity, proximity, intimacy, love and being able to anticipate on someone else’s needs and limits as well as your own needs and limits. It should not be taken lightly but also not be seen as an impossible quest only a happy few will reach. I think everyone can, but not with just anyone. That would be Utopia . . . and solve all world problems. Hmm . . tempting to believe in that, but no I don’t trust that to ever happen . .
Ok some definitions:
- Trust is a set of behaviours, such as acting in ways that depend on another.
- Trust is a belief in a probability that a person will behave in certain ways.
- Trust is an abstract mental attitude toward a proposition that someone is dependable.
- Trust is a feeling of confidence and security that a partner cares.
- Trust is a complex neural process that binds diverse representations into a semantic pointer that includes emotions.
- Trusting someone means that you think they are reliable, you have confidence in them and you feel safe with them physically and emotionally. Trust is something that two people in a relationship can build together when they decide to trust each other.
Nice words, but how about the acts?
In short I could say it like this: Trust starts with distrusting your own trust and distrust and act on that. That basically explains the title of my blog as well: ‘ Trust me, I am to be distrusted’. Meaning I should be questioned on my way of trusting and distrusting (and you as well). To look at yourself and be totally honest in what you feel on trust and distrust can be a good thing to analyse your needs and motives. They both matter a LOT! And there is no one else who knows best what your needs and motivations are than you yourself because you cannot hide it for yourself like you can try to do for others maybe. So ask yourself this about trust:
- Is it not too heavily protected?
- Is it not too cautious?
- Is it not too fast?
- Is it not too wishful thinking? (Seeing what you like/want to see)
- Is it not used to claim someone?
- Is it not wanting to prove something instead of being based on a genuine desire?
- Is is not traded in some way? (if you trust me I will trust you)
- Is it not something you want to be taken for granted, trust having to exist forever no matter what?
- Is it not based on exploiting someone emotionally for your own benefit?
- Is it not seen as proof you now never will do bad things?
- Is it not seen as proof bad things now never will be done to you?
- Is it not under pressure of fears?
- Is it not under influence of irrational expectations? (when I show trust all of me will get rewarded)
- Is it not under influence of false romantic ideas? (he or she will become the love of my life now)
- Is it hot and cold resistant (when treated with some more or less empathy, will the trust remain?)
And nooooooooooo, this is not a checklist ritual! Do not sit down and contemplate a question every next day or so. Do not ask ALL in every case of processing trust. Maybe there even are many people even of which you feel almost instantly it just will be ok, in yourself and in someone else. Questioning yourself is not a research giving you crystal clear outcomes. It is a feeling you need to stay close with to try to discover how genuine it is, how free it is of negative motivations and negative needs. That cannot be done in the same way like asking yourself if your clothes need a wash or not. It has to emerge while processing feelings and has to pass some phases that filter all the crap out of it. Let’s call it tapering upside down. You start with a little and build on what is there into a wider, bigger and stronger structure to rely on. Merging your own structure with the structure of someone else will give a nice fundament that won’t break or fall so easily anymore.
Trust does not follow orders
Yes I am sure there is more, but all I mean to say is to be aware how trust is something we cannot really manipulate to appear and can be driven by wrong ideas, purposes and expectations. When trust is approached and used as a tool, it will fail. That is no trust. You cannot hammer it into your brain or drag it out someone else’s brain towards you. Good God, that would be a bloody mess:
I ordered my brain to trust you a thousand times every day! Take it or leave it!
I urge you to trust me or I will come and get it!
Trust slowly invades a mind and never ever can be manipulated to invade on demand. It only will be there as a natural result of a bond that grows between you and someone else, free from harm and bad intentions. An incredibly strong glue with an also incredibly powerful effect. Maybe trust is the most difficult feeling in the world, but it also is the most essential one needed for being able to really connect with others. Without trust there can be no love I think. There can be levels and phases, from trusting someone to mean it well, to trusting someone with your life. The more deep it goes, the more love grows is how I look at it.
So yes, ALWAYS question yourself in thoughts, feelings and acts. That is not the same as not believing in yourself! It is a healthy sanity check. If I want to be good to and with others I need to be my best version of myself and I only can be that with stripping off all bullshit from myself so to speak. And I guess I have a lot of bullshit on many things, like you do as well. It is not about how great I have to be, but how close I am to giving my best. If you do your best, you are doing great. In my case that means I cannot be great in any other way than also having imperfections. But it is the best and most authentic version of me that will reach out. How that would look like? Well, read . . .
- I sometimes will be the scared one needing shelter.
- I sometimes will cry my heart out of pain and hurts.
- I sometimes will be hard to myself or others to survive.
- I sometimes will go on my knees for forgiveness, care and love.
- I sometimes will be the allergic ‘stay away from me’ alien.
- I sometimes will dream away in fantasy and moods.
- I always will be loyal when trust exists.
- I always will love when trust exists.
- I always will want hugs to last forever.
- I often will make jokes and laugh.
- I often will be silly.
- I often will want to be alone.
- I often need space for being creative.
- I want to love, care, help and stimulate the other
- I want to share and learn with and from the other
- And in case of a serious relationship trust I want, no wait,
I NEED a teddybear or something like that in bed, no not the pluche one. . .
- Oh and I dislike fish, just saying :P
The most present part in me probably is my need to be in my own space. To have enough time and space for simply being into my own mind where all my thoughts and feelings are. In there I can conquer the world and myself, be my own hero or hopeless loser, look at myself and shake my head and laugh at what I see. Smile at myself and be content with what I learned and changed what was needed to change. Explore ideas and thoughts, let creative energy do its work and dream away. It is my comfort zone I think, my own mind. Even when that same mind also can be anxious and insecure, I still like to be there. Don’t you ever dare to try to steal that away from me and claim it as being your property that needs to be shaped to your likings. I will notice and push you away to another universe, far away from being able to reach me.
Dare to dream
Does this make me impossible to reach? Yes, for most. And I am fine with that. The same applies to you by the way. We cannot be reached by just anyone. The ones that do reach me simply match better with who I am and will not mess with me. Yes I am prepared to give that time of course, because trust is slow. But mostly, when sensing the potential of trust, it is worth every second to be patient, loving and caring.
I may be a bit insane sometimes in how I act, not wanting to admit I am no longer a kid, but I can be trusted to share deep trust when all my homework on that has been done properly. It takes my own mind to do that and I only can trust myself after having questioned myself in the way I described. God, that IS a lot of work yes, but it matters. And I allow myself to dare to dream on things being possible when there is potential, desire and motivation in me and others. Just one last warning, again . . . don’t restrain me in who I am . . . you will lose the best parts of me and I will suffocate and lose trust in you. See, that is how it works with trust. It needs freedom of expression to not die of restraints.