Runaway ‘bride’ of the year
I feel like a character people only will start to laugh at when hearing my name and reading another blog about my SL love stories. In fact I deleted almost all of them recently because feeling embarrassed by several breaks and repairs of which I would tell others to stop fooling themselves with keep believing in the good of it all and worth the effort. Yet I write again, because I cannot just be silent when something is not finished yet. It also seems kind of ‘fair’ to also share the problematic part of a love story and not only the sweet part. Love never is sweet only anyway, just how we handle it in SL differs from how we handle it in RL I suppose.
Being a kind of Runaway ‘bride’ is not what I like to associate myself with, but despite good reasons for running away (at least from my point of view) I do feel like one in SL at the moment and I quite hate that! On the other hand I know as well it happens all the time in SL like this. Like unfriending on Facebook or Flickr also is quite common after an argument. An avatar cannot slam a door in someone’s face or shout or laugh hysterically, whatever you do when upset, so breaking the contact probably is the most powerful way of showing a limit. Walking away in SL also is easier and with less consequences than walking away from a RL lover. It may not be the best excuse to therefore also use it when things become complex, but explains it a bit. It does not mean there are no consequences at all however, walking away from a lover in SL. It will affect a bond of trust on both sides. Doubts on doing the right or wrong thing, doubts on being impulsive or wise, doubts on many things that emerge when acts have taken place and reality kicks in of what it means to have acted in a certain way. Still, I also believe in the positive effects of a break. It creates space to cool down, to think and to reconsider the options on both sides. It becomes nasty when a break is used as pressure/emotional blackmail tool, but I can honestly say it never was like that. That’s probably why our breaks do not feel as useless or foolish, more as needed to get to a better way of managing love in SL. I do not see it as drama. It is what happens when a strong love between two fierce characters has this tension of testing each others’ limits (consciously and unconsciously) to know what is possible and not. These limits can be flexible, moving towards or away from the other, depending on the matter of importance of the issue. Not all has to be a fifty fifty outcome all the time. The more a love gives, the less it will take, but it needs work (effort) and time to feel secured and safe enough. When a love is good enough, the downsides of it can be handled better and forgiven. When a love feels toxic, dangerous and out of balance, it’s better to stay away from each other. So yes, I am in a soap opera maybe for the ones who observe, read, gossip and laugh, but I at least do not pretend it to be easy and perfect and even prefer it to be not too easy and too perfect because that keeps things fresh and challenging.
P.S. I would laugh as well when witnessing this kind of stories or even think: “Good grief, grow up and stop messing up!!” Yeah, always easier as observer ^^
Conclusions so far
I can only speak for myself but this is what I can say for now:
- I stopped considering a break as a final end by now. We (yes you know WHO) broke too often to keep that believe alive. A break can be a final end, but also can be a time-out. Taking a break to reflect and feel how it feels to be separated can lead to basically 3 outcomes: it’s a farewell, it’s an impossible love only causing issues, it’s a possible love but needs reviewing of some terms. We sometimes need breaks to learn if a love is strong, possible and valid enough.
- I always feel kind of trapped between two worlds (SL and RL) and I think I never will find a way to manage that without some mistakes and misjudgements on either side of the worlds. It is a choice to either avoid all romance or face the complexities of it.
- I always miss intimacy after a break in SL and wonder what that tells of me and my needs. One part in me adores solitude and single life (also in RL btw) because it is so lovely free of any responsibilities, expectations and obligations that are part of a relationship. Another (stronger) part in me wants to love and be loved with all intimate extra’s that come with it. Why is a RL love not sufficient is the big question in all of this of course. Am I unsatisfied? Do I miss something? Is SL a compensation for that or in a worst case scenario a substitute even? I always tell myself I am happy with my marriage and that’s not a lie, because I am. So SL is most certainly not a substitute in my case. The only thing that makes sense to me to also involve myself in a SL love is that not one single marriage can provide all you like, want or need. Also, the meeting of minds in a virtual world is different, and creates a love bond you will not create in RL in exact the same way. I see SL love as an extension and way to meet other parts of yourself with a likeminded person. Someone once said it like this: BDSM does not hurt in SL but can satisfy kinky minds without RL being bothered with it when BDSM is not an option in a marriage. Not meaning to say SL love is about SEX only btw, that would be utterly boring, but to explain why love in SL has benefits a RL love lacks. The imagination part is strong. And imagination is endless . . . which is very attractive. The intensity of talks and depth of it also is very special, like speed driving right into the core of it all and skipping all formalities and locked doors we would encounter in RL much more. So a perfect life or marriage never exists, yet you can be perfectly satisfied by valuing it as good enough. A hunt for total perfection or total fulfillness is exhausting because perfection and fulfillness are subjective elements. The grass on the other side of the fence always will look greener again some day. The glass is half empty or half full theory makes sense in this perspective. Half full is the way to go.
- And last but not least. When growing older and being together in a pretty harmonious way for many years with survival of some tough periods in life, that creates a special bond of love I like to call the kind of love that stays and never fades (unless some monstrous and cruel disturber cuts that into pieces). No love is unbreakable in the end, we know that, but I consider mine in RL pretty close to it (says the runaway ‘bride’ muahahaha). Oh and FYI, I do better in RL with breaking up. I never had a boyfriend, met the first when I was 29, married him and we are still together. Never a break ^^. I am Miss stable love in RL :) Now I need to implement that in SL when the conditions are worth to do so.
What will it be?
The conditions matter yes. They define if my SL love is a farewell love , impossible love or possible love. And the conditions have changed in a way that I / we see our love as possible again. I have to grant the credits for that to the one I walked away from. The big issue was to make a SL love also a RL love. It already was seen like that more or less and maybe I realized too late it had become a RL believe in such a strong way I could not manage that without looking myself into the eyes and feel no guilt towards my husband and myself. It became IMPOSSIBLE to maintain. The reason it turned into POSSIBLE again is because of letting go of that RL quest on me by the one I love in SL. With that a big pressure is of my shoulders and a new space is created to feel free to share love without fears for a fight about RL love versus SL love or SL love being considered a RL love declaration as well.
Some will say: fool! You cannot change a desire and someone’s need. Duh. . . as if I do not know that. But what can be changed is to make it a break point. To be able to tell each other: “Ok you want all, but I give half. Or, you give me half but I want all”, without making such differences a reason to split up. To accept that this is what it will be is maybe not easy for the one who wants all, but not impossible. I believe in positive result myself. When love is strong it is worth some risks and worth some efforts and sacrifices. In our case my SL partner sacrifices the RL quest as condition to be lovers in SL and I know it can mean the other will walk away for someone who can provide that RL option. I sacrifice a guarantee of the other to be my secured partner maybe a bit, but love and guarantees are bad companions anyway. Something so complex as love only can guarantee you a trip into the unknown. It can blossom, die, bend, break or exist forever. No guarantees, only challenges and choices. And what if I am wrong? What if a negative result will be the outcome after all. Yes, possible as well. Then we will face another break probably or both decide it is better to not try any longer. Love never comes easy, cooked or baked and ready to consume. We will see how we taste this time but for now it is delicious again :)
Choice and challenge
So, laugh or smile or shake your head. I do not mind anymore after writing this. I convinced myself I am human one more time and always will choose harmony and love above battlefields where it concerns a lover I cherish or cherished. Not always successful with everyone (it needs more than just me walking that path), but I will always try. And exactly that’s what happened yesterday and why I write about it today. We both decided to choose for a new challenge with reviewed conditions. And hell, we missed each other, maybe the strongest key in all if this. When you both miss each other, you know it is not over. Yes, sorry darlings, you will see pics again of the happy love couple. Soooo boring, I know :P
Nick Cave and the Bad seeds can tell it much shorter than I can:
But I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you