Priorities

Yup, I have them, priorities, like anyone else. And it’s a good thing because it helps to focus on what and/or who needs attention most. It’s interesting how priorities can change over the years however. Looking back on my own life a big part of it only had one priority: protection. I needed huge yet invisible walls to survive. Invisible, because no one was supposed to actually know I was in a protective state of mind. Too embarrassed to admit the chaos in my head. So It had to look like the opposite. As if I was free of such needs and lived a life without fears that asked for protection. In that respect even my ways of protection were protected . . . . disguised. My cloak technology was better than all Klingons and Romulans in Star Trek and bigger than Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak. I was quite good! But nothing to be proud of really. It’s a bit scary to need it in the way I needed it, plus extremely exhausting. I felt like living a fake life. Don’t get me wrong, I am okay with protection and never will discard it as part of how I choose to live, but when it becomes the ultimate escape trick . . . nope, not okay.

That was before the big change in my life. Now I live in the after time, present time. And my priorities have changed. No longer my main one is protection. It still exists of course and also should exist in the mad world we live in, but it now serves more as ways to stay happy, where before it was a way to hide my being unhappy with a frozen smile on my face as kind of proof all was okay. My life has become sunny and bright and it escaped the darkness. I actively refuse negativity to influence me in a way that sticks. Of course I am affected by negativity when it’s there, but I force my way out of it by prioritising positive thoughts and feelings. I always will focus on moving on or accept shit to exist when it cannot be denied, escaped or turned around. In the latter case it matters to not allow it a bigger space than it actually deserves.

Plus patience . . . a lot of patience. Because nothing comes for free. A sweet life is not something we can just receive without having to make an effort. And efforts ask energy, time and patience for the results of it. I always have had tons of patience. Strange a bit because I cannot really recognise it back in either of my parents, no offense. I think it maybe simply is my own characteristic, a little gift from nature or something. But it only exists when I see a value in something or someone that’s worth to be patient for. If not seeing value I tend to show the opposite of patience and dismiss all as unnecessary ballast. It will show most in dismissing toxic, destructive and negative people. One has to pick what fits best and feels best and does not steal away energy for no good purpose. So even in actively prioritising positivity, there will be a ranking so to speak. Such rankings will change every now and then as well, because life knows all kinds of dynamics with all kinds of choices to make. It sometimes also means you have to switch priorities ad hoc.

I remember very well to have been forced to choose another priority years ago and actually hardly able to do so. While totally struggling with my own life behind my invisible walls, I suddenly had to take care of my husband in a way I was not prepared for. I relied heavily on being cared for by him, too heavily. And then he got sick. A full blown heart attack changed realities of who cares for who most. Daily visits to the hospital and aftercare at home forced me to focus away from myself. I managed and it paid in my husband feeling safe and grateful but it also dramatically increased stress in myself for having to add extra energy in my personal daily survivals. On top of that I kept playing being Miss ‘All is OK’ to not cause stress in my husband who’s recovery now was priority number one. It all worked out in the end, his recovery has been incredibly good, but a challenge it was, for both of us. Plus a good eye opener I needed to work on myself more to be better prepared for sudden events.

Present priorities

Already since a while I am more and more withdrawing from being very active on Facebook, Flickr and Second Life. Nothing deliberate really. More a natural flow of feeling less involved and stimulated by it. Facebook I tend to call ‘zinloos geneuzel’ in plain Dutch (oops, sorry for the avid users of it), but that’s not to be taken personally by anyone, only my own feeling when observing it and feeling totally not comfortable with the general emptiness of this kind of media. Sure, I use it now and then to place my blog links on it and sometimes a rant or silly joke, but I cannot be called social in the way it is meant to be. I miss almost all of what others place. Yup, I admit to be a completely isolated social media user . . . . stuck in my own little stream of shares and then run away again without giving a damn on what’s out there. Okay, a few exceptions, with some I occasionally have a talk via the Messenger functionality. See . . . that I can appreciate, because more personal and more deep. Meaningful. The endless requests for liking someone’s page or to join an event . . . it all is either not seen or ignored. So, go ahead and blame me for being like that or simply do the same with me if that feels better. I know many users are very very loyal and consistent in following what’s being posted, commenting, giving likes and show appreciation, but I am not made for it somehow. Or when I do it, it never lasts long. It can be called indifference and selfishness if you wish, I think it just does not speak enough to me. It does not reach me deep inside. Because to reach that I need connection on a deeper personal level.

We are being bombed by media streams all day and it wears me out to be honest. I will go into a state of shutting myself down to prevent it to penetrate me and disturb me. Hundreds of headlines and tags, aggressively fighting for attention with suggestive titles to tempt me to take a closer look. Stupid senseless entertainments that have absolutely nothing to add to my life. The big stars of the world trying to occupy my screen with their glamorous shit. For me that all is negative energy I like to keep a healthy distance from. The really important issues of our present world needing attention I cannot and do not want to deny, so I will read on that, but also in that I prioritise by limiting it to an amount I find healthy for myself. I cannot take every problem as my personal problem to solve. When I can help or add to a solution, I will.

My present priorities are simple. I will need a lot of time at the moment to work on several RL projects. It requires a minimum of distractions. It needs focus to develop an effective workflow. One of the things I therefore will dismiss is writing on this website, my blog. It has no priority at all and can wait. Flickr also is in hibernation already. The picture that comes with this blog will be the last one for the time being. I expect later this year it maybe changes again when the work I need to do has finished. Second Life I will keep visiting however. Because it is a place I use for maintaining a few contacts on a deeper level of interacting that does make me happy. That does not have to be much and mostly it is very irregular and most certainly not planned, but to not lose connection with a few valuable contacts I will pop in now and then. I also like to just be parked at my sim and enjoy the feeling of being in what I would consider paradise: space, nature and silence ; ) Skype also stays, for personal reasons of valuing someone there and because also a nice noise free way of interacting on a deeper level.

Not a farewell

Nope, it’s not. Why would I. Nothing is going to die. But this already was a feeling lingering around a while and now is the time to give it hands and feet to really act on it. By writing it down I also remind myself to stick to it and not get tempted to write. I do like to write and it always energises me, but it also distracts and eats time. In my case it would break a workflow too much, because writing for me is a very intense presence somehow. Alone, yet with many voices and feelings in my head that won’t just go silent again after writing. It always is a process of feeling something grow inside, then feeling a need to let it out, and then the actual writing with a kind of afterglow that takes it own space for reflecting and feeling how it feels. It is not an isolated one moment event that just drops on the floor and done.

So, for now I say goodbye yes, but it is not a farewell. I have to thank all who took and take time to read and even respond on my blogs, some extremely loyal. It makes me feel embarrassed a bit when I look at my own not social behaviour in being not loyal in that specific way. My loyalties exist in other ways ; ) And that does not mean I don’t value others, but I limit myself to what I think I need most and can handle in the 24 hours we have each day. Forgive my being ignorant. It is not being a rejection. It is being me. And I need a lot of silence and isolation to feel okay. Once I start to interact it generates expectations of keeping in touch on a regular base in many cases and I cannot. The introverted way of life I suppose. I wish you all a wonderful spring and summer with hopefully soon more safety, freedom and ‘normal’ life being back. At least in Second Life we still could hug and kiss all the time without masks and precautions ; )

Mind to mind

And this is what matters most in the end is it not? To be together with the one(s) you care for most. That only needs a mind and a small space. But when there you can travel the whole world and feel free. Overcome all and unwind. Because such a mind to mind space is a space where nothing disturbs in a negative way and where you can float in happiness and love. A mind to mind space is the deepest space that exists. See you there, the ones I love ; )

The Western Sky – Justin Hayward

Isn’t it a strange world?
With you and me
Gazing at each other
Through a misty scene of a part of me

Dreaming of the green hills
But we could fly
Listening to the night bird
That made us cry with its lullaby

But we’ll overcome
And stand on the heights
And we’ll be together
In our dreams

As we look around us
The world goes on
We’re strangers in a strange land
Tryna find where we don’t belong

Shadows in the darkness
Just passing through
(Just passing through)
Now that I have found you
I realize what I got to do
(I realize what I got to do)

[Repeat x2]
But we’ll overcome
And stand on the heights
And we’ll be together
In the end

Out on the horizon
The west wind sighs
(The west wind sighs)
A beautiful adventure
Waiting there in the western sky
(Waiting there in the western sky)

Bring me some redemption
Take me home
(Take me home)
Take me where my heart lies
Now I know that I’m not alone