I adore hands, all kinds. The non-polished and non manicured ones more than the perfect ones. Hands show someone’s life in a way. But the reason I love hands is more deep than just a visual. When I see hands I always connect them with what they can do. They can touch, feel, scratch, caress, enter my body and mouth and hold me. They can love and hurt a person physically and they can be reached out for peace or start a war by putting the middle finger. When used aggressively it’s an assault weapon. When used to love it’s the best tool and toy to be played with. Like always in life it is far more easy to use a tool in a bad way. I can point at someone and accuse him or her, I can manipulate with it because hands use their own language without much effort and with a strong symbolic power.
I also like words, because it opens a world for the other to know me and vice versa. Words are like hands. They can be used in a soft loving way or in a destructive painful way. We all have been there, we all have tasted both sides. Again, it is very easy to be bad. Sometimes justified and needed, sometimes unreasonable and pathetic. Words are the strongest manipulators I know and a true weapon when choosing to use it like that. Because yes it is a choice in general. Even when out of control, I think we always have the option to attack or not attack. Often such attacks are totally stupid and useless, but it can give this victory feeling of being in charge and control. Even when it is actually the opposite it gives this rush of having won a battle. Until the next day or so . . . . then shame and feelings of loss or regret start to boil your brain. To do bad is easy like I said, to undo it is impossible.
Time and choices
I have been no angel myself. Not in RL, not in SL. I know very well and regret some of my acts, or at least wish I would have chosen a more calm way. With the ones I care for (despite furious battles as well) I always will make up again after such wars. Just because love, care, friendship, companionship and peace are much more rewarding than endless battles. But such things always take time. Humans cannot cut that war part out of their brains just like that and try to survive with destructions and manipulations to feel sort of OK. Or they seek distraction in some kind of addiction to whatever (attention, fame, love, sex, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, money, work etc). Only when all pain has been felt and expressed the time is ready to come over it and deal with it in a better way. To look back and see what was good, to neutralise what was bad into a harmless factor, to feel balance and calmness and no stress. But that also needs a choice. A conscious act to reach out and tell the other it is ok and no more harm. It needs you to forget pride and ego and to not only wait for the other to make that step. Forgiveness between people only is possible when you choose to be like that. Of course it will not always be open arms at the other side of the door. Sometimes the door will stay closed, or slammed into your face. That’s ok. Just try again. I am a firm believer in good above bad myself in the end. Only when the other keeps choosing to walk the dark way of destruction it is hopeless and better to stop. And sometimes you just become aware a person does not match so well after all and does not feel as a loss in your life. When someone does not feel like a loss it creates space in your life for other connections that do match.
So Mea Culpa for all people I was bad with for some reason. With most of them I am ok again. A few will never work or seem like that hopeless case that never will open their arms when reaching out. For me, I have peace with myself, which maybe is the best and most essential thing. Peace means I can regret without feeling stressed, I can love without feeling blocked, I can live in harmony and share my words and hands in a good way. I don’t mind if others cannot or don’t want to be ok with me for their own reasons. It is their battle and not mine. If they can one day I will be happy to welcome them however. But it’s like with a good coffee. When it misses the right blend, it’s only bitter and not sweet. Chemistry cannot be forced. It’s there or not there. Even so, one more time, it’s easy to be bad, just it feels so much better to be/do good. Being bad or talking bad gives this afore mentioned bitter satisfaction. The sweet satisfaction needs that other blend:) Or to speak in a sexual way, according to the picture I used: A finger can be a sweet erotic loving phallus as well as a pointed finger to judge :) It can fuck me and fuck you in 2 ways.