Readers of my blog will know I sometimes write about my views on and experiences with virtual love, Second Life love. The most recent blog was Desires in the Metaverse. In that blog I wrote about a love between someone else and me. How we wanted to try to make it work and be happy with each other in a way that would not be too suffocating or kill RL priorities. It turned out to be harder than we hoped for, but that’s ok. Never bad to try and to learn each others limits and fails. But when the limits and fails are too big to make it work it ends up in wanting the other to change. That never is good, unless the other really wants to change her-or himself. A little change can be done, when the love is big enough, but the essential ones are the real challenge. Trying to change essential elements of a person means you want to take pieces away from that person, But taking pieces away makes you lose the person you once fell in love with and also makes that person less comfortable in her or his role. Like missing a certain sense you always needed to be able to stay the unique YOU (with all imperfections, differences and needs). When such acts are needed to make a love work, something is not ok and for me a sign to stop. So in short I can tell: the ‘game’ we started is over.
So now the ‘Naming, shaming and blaming? No. Because all I can say is that ‘It’ failed. Not a specific ‘He’ or ‘She’ failed, more a ‘We’ failed. At least that is how I look at it but I only can speak for myself of course. When lovers fail to find a way which makes them both happy and free enough to not lose these essential pieces we call maybe our nature, character and personality, it is only sad and not a place to blame the other. Differences simply can be too big and virtual love does not conquer all when a RL love also has to be protected from too regular disturbances in a mind due to desired changes. That would not be fair . . . to confront the RL lover with a regular “Sorry darling I feel shit because I have a virtual love issue driving me crazy today”. We can hide that of course and not share, but fact is it will affect a presence and mood in RL in not a good way. So I stick to a simple ‘It Failed’ due to too not having the same view on how to live a SL love .
Back to simple life
This means for me I go back to what I call ‘Simple (virtual) Life’ as single. No expectations, no obligations, no relation. I am not sad or mad. Because the time we had was very nice and not a nasty battle with power games. We really tried hard and achieved a lot, but even so I decided to not continue with it. Despite many compatible elements, and a wonderful interaction during discussions about various interesting subjects we both liked, the differences concerning the essential needs simply were too big after all. When in love we tend to believe a bit in magic, overcoming all, but we are who we are and a big change is not something you can monitor with a few simple button clicks. And again a big change should not be needed as solution in the first place, because it only covers a gap and hides what is behind that cover. Hide and seek, a ‘I promise you that part of me does not exist anymore fairy tale’. One trigger and such gaps break open again, unleashing themselves and coming back as never having been away. It is better to be realistic and not fool ourselves with such temporary patches:-)
I am grateful for the last few months with the other. Because it was very nice and good. Just the end now also made me realise I maybe really are better off as single in SL, because never easy to have a time management in SL next to a time management in RL. And because virtual love really is not so simple and often becomes a bit of a cage with expectations which slowly will make it become uncomfortable or with guilty feelings to not be able to /want to dedicate in a desired way. Crushes are much easier. They come and go. But what I will really mis is the intimacy. I do not mean sex with that. I mean the mind connection and cuddles, the nice talks, the challenging discussions, the pleasure of someone there for you. But intimacy alone is not enough to make a virtual love consistent with enough space to breath and live and I have a few wonderful friends to also feel very happy with in another kind of intimacy. I thank the one who I shared this with a few months. I am sorry if my decision is being seen as the wrong one maybe or as hurtful, but when one person feels not OK anymore, the other cannot always fix that and loses the person of before, which in this case means it had to end before it would feel like a golden cage too much and infect good feelings and memories. I know my view can be seen as bullshit for the other, fair enough, but for me this is how it is and no regrets to at least have tried and experienced a great love. That love is not dead, but it stopped to grow and attach to deeper levels, blocked by doubts and suffocation. To not feel sad may sound as if I am a cold person, but I am not at all. Just I learned to love and attach in a Second Life love in a more sane way than before, not too involved and not lose a certain independence in that. And even if a mesh head easily can be replaced anytime soon in SL, I like to not lose my RL head over SL love anymore. Like I wrote in my previous blog post, it has to stay all a bit reasonable and in control to avoid big drama’s. Too much love can kill still is true.
And NO, I am NOT available for whoever thinks I am now. Just to make that clear ^^ Back to simple life could very well stay my approach again in SL. Crushes, nothing serious and easy going is very attractive. RL is happy. SL is happy as well. So don’t try to throw tissues at me, simply for making the right decision. A good decision does not make me cry. It makes me say hello to myself as single again and smile at the big space in front of me.
Note: the picture is an old one from 2017, made at an installation by JadeYu Fhang.