HOW TO LOVE A SPACE O’ HOLIC

When things happen

Around 8 months ago I decided to end being partnered with the man I now partnered with again since a few weeks. I also decided to delete all related blogs of that period because it felt not ok to keep them and I announced something like not writing again about such personal things because it exposes the people who are involved in a pretty confronting way, including myself. All done with care and consent, but still :)

But then things happened. And when things happen I feel the irresistible urge to write, partly because it helps me sort my thoughts and feelings and partly because I like to show there is a positive follow up and replace the last impression of us being not able to maintain a relation in a stable way with another reality we now share.

So what happened? Daddio and I met again after a long silence, somewhere in april this year. A month after that I wrote a blog after all about he and I being on speaking terms again and a bit more than that, because we felt it was not over as in really over, but also quite scared both to start something new and mess up again. I personally tend to be extremely reluctant to advise someone to try again with an ex, but well, like with all in life, there are so many variables, we cannot always rely on a standard opinion or advise as the only one or best one and love is not a matter of science so much with knowing what is right or wrong, wise, unwise.

Conclusion: Every process takes time to find a balance in feeling ok, some more than others, so let’s consider it like that in our case.

 

 

Beyond embarrassment

At first, when deciding to be close again, I felt a bit embarrassed to admit that to others. I defended myself more than telling to be happy doing so. Saying things like: “ Yes, yes, I know what you think and yes I will be careful and don’t worry we are just good friends now and it will be fine.” Maybe because not trusting it yet enough either myself, focussed on signals that made me run away before. And to not have to hear lectures and advise I was not interested in to hear, even if meant well. We decided to live our renewed intimacy and love in a remote way, not very visible for others, and no exposures of it via pics or a blog. What others saw were friends dancing a bit now and then and that’s it.

But when things developed in a way that gave me trust in us to now being able to make it work, I was the one to want to break the silence more or less and go beyond this embarrassment. I offered being partner again and the answer was yes immediately. This felt very ok to do and improved my feeling of love not being something to be ashamed of but to celebrate.

 

 

Why does it work now?

Yes, that’s of course the big question and I will explain. Not because I feel like some love guru, but because it materialises more for me when I analyse in writing and not only in thinking. It forces me to be very precise in words and with that I cannot be sloppy in my thinking. I divide my explanation in three parts: The space o’holic part, the compromises & credits part and the achievements & compatibilities part.

 

 

1. The space o’holic

I have to start with explaining the title of the blog because that refers at me. I consider myself a space o’holic. With that I mean I need a lot of space to feel ok as in not suffocated. This concerns both RL and SL.

What do I mean with needing space? It means I am not the type who likes to spend all her hours together with the person she loves. I need personal time to do things alone or with others, or simple silence and solitude despite the other being around somewhere as well. Since I also have a RL love I cherish, my space for SL is limited anyway. Duties, relaxation time, chores or other kinds of work plus personal attention in RL like spending time together do take a lot of time as well and I do not want to have to feel obligated to be in SL at regulated times nor want to have to rush in RL to benefit SL. Another thing is this: The marriage with my husband is a space that has to stay free from any negative influences from SL (love). So no RL meets, expectations or demands.

Then WHEN in SL I also like to have time for shopping, fiddling with stuff, decorating, doing projects, talk with friends, making pics etc. Not every day, but to have to fight over it will be a killer. It is a choice to do so yes, but for me the only way to not feel smothered by too much expectations or time obligations. Anyone who wants to keep me as partner in SL will face this with me, and in RL as well.

Does this mean I am not a dedicated lover? An egoïst? No, although some may look at it that way depending on their love style and lifestyle. I am very dedicated to the ones I love. I don’t cheat, I choose to be with that person only and I connect on a deep level. A clear case of quality over quantity.

All this above is now part of the relationship I have with Daddio. When we had issues before it regularly included time and RL expectations. Understandable for the one loving me enough to want to extend it, but impossible for me given the circumstances I live in. In other circumstances (no RL love to cherish or other heavy responsibilities to take care of) everything changes because of the option to choose different without consequences for others and myself I cannot and do not want to bare.

 

 

2. Compromise and credits

But yes, how about the other? It can have an effect on the other half to feel not loved enough or to be neglected. Basically there was a simple choice. Only one piece of  Yoon or nothing at all, because the whole piece is not going to happen. And even if I were single in RL and decided SL was the limit, that still would be a thing someone only can accept or reject. No one can force the other to do as he or she wishes it to be. When different wishes and hopes exist there is only a reject or an accept and adapt by the one having a bigger plan than mine. It also would be like that for me btw, when I would have a bigger plan than Daddio (laughs hard because impossible!!) but to be clear I mean it as general opinion on such matters.

So do I even care if the other can feel like being not important enough and meaningful enough for me ? Of course I do, but I cannot change someone’s mind, hopes, wishes and views and also do not really want that. The best thing I can do in such a case and the other as well is to talk a lot and be compassionate. This is the process we went through the last few weeks. We described and faced all itches, frustrations and insecurities on either side and concluded we feel like being made for each other but need a way to secure our love in a safe, healthy, reasonable and maintainable way, with enough space for me and enough trust in each other it is genuine and not a fake show or hidden agenda tactics.

Being pragmatic this simply meant I had to learn to believe in the good intentions and in the letting go of RL and time demands and Daddio had to learn to accept and adapt to that being the limit. For him it is a compromise with his deeper wishes, but he can separate that now from also insisting it will happen. We will bump into some little differences still sometimes, but it does not end in panic or drama anymore with a big fight or whatever. I have to credit him for adapting to my limits, not because I find my limits unfair, but because it is always hard to adjust and tell yourself to compromise with a lesser outcome than wished for and with a character who likes to get what he wants anyway. Oh wait, that’s me too :-P   Makes it reallllllly easy yes.  I credit myself for not making promises or remarks that leave too much space (magic word again) to make the other believe in things that cannot happen. I did sometimes maybe to keep a conversation peaceful or in those famous magic virtual love intimacy moments with WHAT IF fantasies.

 

 

3. Achievements and compatibilities

To have reached an understanding on past issues is not enough to feel love again just like that.  So there is more to the story that really matters to share as well. A lot more has changed. During all our talks of the last months ( and we talk a LOT!) we slowly but gently build a bond again. This bond can be characterised as deep and meaningful, codependent and respectful with mutual understanding of our personal complexities.

To really get to know someone and understand views, desires, dreams, sensitivities and hurts means there will be a lot of misunderstandings first with disagreements as outcome, especially when a language barrier can cause confusions (mild but still) and only written word  is the tool to communicate.  We achieved to not overreact anymore on differences but try to get to the core of it for understanding it better and then discuss if we need a workaround or just let it be a difference with no harm. We also achieved to listen better to each other in differences and not hammer the other down with attacks or defensive manoeuvres.

But I think the biggest achievement is to both have discovered we need and love each other enough to overcome differences. Speaking for myself this means I only will be a suitable partner when I feel a powerful mind and strong decisive willpower in the other. Not meant as a cliché like in a girls romance, but as a need for a strong counterweight for my own mind and willpower. I need to be tamed sometimes before I will surrender to certain things and that will never happen with someone who says yes to all I think and say. I need brains and opinions to ‘compete’ with to develop myself and learn to see through several glasses before telling I really see the sky being clear or not. This all is present and helped me to realise we had more to cherish than to condemn.  I often focussed on the non-compatibilities in my blogs. Time to do the opposite now

A selection of compatibilities:

1. Need for an equal ‘dependent’ relation

2. Talks and discussions on a variety of subjects (psychology, sociology, politics, love, sex, philosophy, virtual reality, science etc etc)

3. Music

4. Humour

5. Socially remote

6. Attraction in a D/s way

7. Not afraid to vent an opinion

8. Picky in many things

9. Love for art but not the fame cultus around it

10. Hungry for knowledge and learning

11. Last but not least: Hungry for each other :)

 

Love is an astronaut

My  blog about us in May 2019  ended with this quote and my comment on that.

LOVE is an astronaut. It comes back, but it’s never the same. 

That’s where we are now. In space, returning to a base of stable connections. Houston, we HAD a problem. But the Eagle has landed now and is fine.

N.B. The quote seems to originate from LCD Soundsystem with the song Drunk Girls


That being said, I would like to end this blog with a space like feeling as well. Space in all its meanings: living space, mental space, virtual space, milky way, feeling weightless (no drama’s anymore to carry), space to enjoy, space to laugh, space to be silent, space to be me, space to discover, nothing to fear, no expectations, being in the same space feeling complete and intertwined. A re-spaced place to have what we both wanted, a stable love and balanced talks without hypersensitivities being provoked every time. This song tells it sort of. I even am in subspace on certain levels, but in my own specific way and none of your business :P

So I hereby declare to want you and need you as my shared space partner and feel happy to have dared to give us one more chance. One! :P Let’s use it well and not end up in orbiting the wrong atmosphere where love cannot breath and grow

 

Karen ‘O and Danger Mouse – Lux Prima

 

[Intro]
Faithful
Sunshine
Faithful
Sunshine

[Verse 1]
No eyes open, no eyes closed
No smoke on your breath, no eyes closed
No sun on the glass, no darkness
No eyes, nobody but you

[Chorus]
I’m nowhere, I’m no one, I’m nobody
There’s nobody but you
I’m nowhere, I’m no one, I’m nobody
There’s nobody but you

[Bridge]
Look, boy, you stay on my mind
Look, boy, you stay on my mind
Look, boy, you stay on my mind
Look, boy, you stay on my mind

[Verse 2]
No eyes open, no eyes closed
It’s not what you said, no eyes closed
No drops in the glass, no one listening
No sound, nobody but you

Yes, cryptic lyrics. But that’s  better than  being predictable and easy :)
I know why I chose it and you can use your own mind to guess why.
Good luck with that!

 

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