How to f*ck yourself

Mindf*ck (old pic from a few years ago)

 

You really want to know that?

Well ok, since you did not close the page I will tell. Normally my answer would be to buy a good toy and play with it. That’s the adult way of doing it. Not going to give further instructions on that nor footages :)  Another way of fucking yourself is less adult and not even mature. I would call it primitive.  It is a reflex, an uncontrolled power inside making you think and do things that will have a negative effect on yourself and sometimes on your environment as well. I guess that’s what happened with me and DD the other day when in distress on our relation. The typical response on an also typical mess we created when not being clear enough in words or acts. The why and how not being explained well enough, the language difference making subtle meanings invisible or become a giant monster, the mind twisting all of that in a big blender of stress and there you go. One sentence can become proof for not being ok anymore together and make you think it’s better to stop the whole circus of love and all its challenges. To be clear, none of this involved some sort of cheat issue, which is often the case in SL I fear, but it was a more complex and personal matter I will not discuss here. Today, after an uneasy talk on how to deal with the non-related status (do we yes or no stay friends etc) it turned out we have mistaken each other’s words, acts and tensions on an itchy subject for a dead end. Dead end means no way out was my conclusion and so I ended it all to prevent further hurts and damages. The ones who have read that blog know it was done with sadness and not like throwing away an old shirt. I am someone who takes measures when I think they are needed. You can read back here: Happy moments cannot stop the speed of dark

 

 

Impulsive

I can be horribly impulsive, many others as well I presume, when being triggered in a love matter in a bad way.  My head will say . . . stop, don’t be stupid now and wait with acting on the triggers, but my feelings and emotions often are stronger needing a kind of ‘satisfaction’ with an act. A ritual to cope with stress over a love going down and trying to escape the mess by showing a powerful deed to reassure and empower my messy passionate radical mood and mind as survival. It made me instantly write for example, to get it out of my head and feel some relief. It actually also gives relief, it always does with me, writing it down and analyse. But it never is a complete relief of course when you know you are going to lose and miss someone badly despite valid reasons to end it.

Just the reasons were not valid.  To  think they were is understandable if  you would know the facts, but it still could have been done better by me with first talk more and then decide what is needed or not. But well, talking was hard at that moment, the stress was big, and my impulsive stress response took over. In other words, I fucked myself and did not even realise it until today. That insight came after the talk that should have been done before my acting.  Maybe you know the drill: An act can trigger, a reaction on that act can trigger back,  this can give another reaction making the already activated triggers even worse and that’s where it all starts to boil and go wrong. Especially in a world like Second Life where words are our only tools for communication via a screen only and no such thing as body language to better read emotions inside someone.  Looking back it all looks stupid and silly. DD is free from blame? Only me fucking up? Welllllll  . . . .  I will tell that when we both are in heaven or hell writing our biographies, ok?  Rest assured we both can be impulsive and explosive when in war or anxiety mood.  Yes, we are humans   . . . with some personal shit to deal with, so it happens. It also makes us very attached, passionate, dedicated and loving when the shit is out of range.

 

 

So?

So, all is ok. We reflected, settled things in the correct perspectives and meanings. We continue our relation and love. We also promised to hide our ‘fuck yourself toys’. Don’t send us your second handed ones please. We will buy new ones if we feel like making a mess again in whatever way. We will not partner again this time ( I lost count by now) to prevent the expensive wedding costs every few months. No, in fact we feel like being partnered, but the on/off relation in our profiles becomes a bit of  soap like this and maybe in our case it is more errr, pragmatic to partner without the actual proof on screen.  Maybe we like to be fools again as well one day and feel like bugging Linden Lab again to ‘steal’ some Lindens from us:)

 

 

And they lived happily ever after?

I will tell you that as well when we both are in heaven or hell. I cannot predict things like that.  I cannot even handle the present very well at times, let alone a past or future. But my intention is to live happily ever after yes.  Ok ok there probably will be some bugs and bruises to repair once in a while. At least we did not SLEXIT! I do nominate DD for an  impeachment procedure as Toy Boy. He corrupted my ego, because now I had to write a blog again to correct myself after fucking myself. He just shared too many fuck toys with me so it’s all his fault.

 

 

A song

I am not ashamed to show my weaknesses, mistakes, feelings, emotions and soap opera acts. But I also am not ashamed to show my love or sometimes hate when it is there. I am who I am and never really into hiding behind facades of being perfect.  I can be fun and no fun, I can be constructive and destructive, I can be wise and foolish, I can be a pain in the ass and caring, I can be your nemesis or muse, all is possible. But the song with this blog is about DD and me and shows how we feel when in our regular perfect state of love :)

 

You are tranquility and gentle peace
You are desire and what satifies desire
I dedicate to you, full of joy and pain
My eye and heart as your dwelling place
Come in and close the gates quietly behind you
Drive out all other grief from my breast!
Let my heart be full of your joy
The cover of my eyes is lit by your glow alone
Oh, fill it quite!

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