Happy moments cannot stop the speed of dark

Happy moments

I remember the moment this picture was taken very well. I took it on one of those perfect nights you can have with your loved one. September 7 to be precise, not so long ago. We had many happy moments that  made us feel like we never would break again. After reuniting in April we were determined to do it right this time. We were not done yet with our love story. I wrote about that, in May and July: I am nominated and  How to love a space 0-holic. We realised very well the risk we took, but the happy feelings of reuniting and still feeling love made us decide to try again even so. Naive some will say, but I think sometimes we need this way to at least have the feeling to have tried your best and not having missed an opportunity to make it work after all. We  tried and really did very well, to our own surprise often. But as time passed things became also more edgy again at certain moments. The  strange thing is we always end up in troubles right at the moment when things seem to go so well. As if a snake attacks and spreads its poison in our veins. Blinded by the happy moments maybe, closing our eyes for the discomfort on levels we find hard to discuss well. Trusting the love will be  strong enough to survive all now. We even said to make it to Christmas this time for sure.

Looking at the picture makes me warm and sad at the same time. Warm because it was so typical for how we felt in love and like belonging to each other. Not much else needed than just us. Deepening our bond was what it all was about. It makes me feel sad because a few days ago I could not have imagined to be not partnered anymore. I still hardly can really believe the fast change that was generated due to some troublesome chats about love, VR love and how we choose to act when timezone differences and rl occupations make VR love a bit more complex than when you would live in the same house like a normal couple. But it was like an earthquake, splitting the ground below us. Suddenly becoming aware of the giant gap between us.  Like throwing a rope to the other side to try to keep connected but no idea how to make it to the other side without one of us falling down into the dark.

 

 

VR Love is ….. different for everyone

Yesterday evening I was present at the Ribong Gallery because Kara Mellow (Frakture) played some music. During the evening it became clear for me I would never be able to close that gap between me and my SL partner D. I also cannot expect him to close that gap. One of us would have to sacrifice too much. In theory a few steps from each side can be made, but we both have some principles, beliefs and needs we will not let go of for our own good reasons.  The theoretical problem solving option looks like a joke with that, believe me. This is why I today have decided it is better to not stay partnered anymore. Enough happy moments, but not enough to stop the speed of darkness rising from the gap. It will be like one week happy and the next week trouble, and again and again. It is not chic to sentence someone to that kind of relationship on either side. It will become a blame game with frustrations feeding ego and pride, to not have to feel like the one spoiling it. I do not want to go there again. I want to have the feeling we tried our best but now finally see we will not make it and can end our trials. We believed in us, for real, we felt/feel love, for real, but real has many faces and levels of intensity. VR reality is a very specific one with for each person a different feeling and choice of immersion. My VR can be totally not compatible for someone else’s VR. In Second Life we tend to dream away in make believe realities but I just have experienced again how fragile such dreams are, or the opposite, too addictive and intoxicating the view on the reality behind VR.

One of the music albums I was introduced to yesterday is The Colorist from

 

Speed of Dark

Somebody let me get that far
I don’t even know right now who we are
I see you standing on the stairwell (stairwell)
You know that I’m leaving

Oh we used to live there
Doing it doing it every night

How did we let this get that far
I don’t even know right now who we are
With you my heart is in a wishing well
Promise me never break the spell

I confess, I confess
I have been tempted, tempted
I want it, I want it
Dangerous

Somebody tell me how we got that far
I don’t even know right now who we are
If you know that you’re not breathing, get out
We can always just leave here, drive off

Life is just a flicker in the universe
Ooh under the stars, we’re indestructible
(it’s just a flick in the universe
Under the stars, we’re indestructible)

Oh somebody let me drive that car
Every ride and down the freeway to watch it all
We’ll be making love
Together living in a free fall
Oh won’t you come with me and go far

 

….

Thank you for the love we shared

Ground control to Major Dom

Bound to be together and bound to fail in being together
Despite the end of being together you do mean a lot to me and that never will change.

I loved you in the best way I could
You loved me in the best way you could

That love has not ended, but the belief in continuing it without hurts has, alas.
No blames, no games, just sad we always run into troubles.

With love and a warm heart, because anger is useless to feed longer than one day.
Love alone is not enough sometimes however.
Complexities can ruin more than we like and follow their own will.

I do not say farewell
I say, be well and invest in someone who can give you what you seek.

I feel sorry for you I could not,.
I feel sorry for myself to have to miss you as dear and valued person in my life.

x
Yoon

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