Where to start . . .
That is really hard.
Is there even a start . . .
Yes, I decided to create my sim F.E.A.R. in may 2020, and had my reasons for it.
But that was not the start at all for what it means to me when I look back on all that surfaced in my mind after opening it in June.
If there is a start it is way back in the past. More than 40 years back. If I skip all between then and now I think I best describe it as being a prisoner and being free. I can write an endless list of contrasts like everyone can I suppose when you compare your life of now and how it was 40 years ago. Some say looking back never is so wise. Better forget and move on. I can be like that as well I admit. Like pff waste of energy and I live NOW, but without that past I would not be who I am here and now.
So my shortlist would be something like this when I look back and compare:
UNHAPPY – HAPPY
SURVIVING – SURVIVER
LOCKED IN EMOTIONS – EMOTIONS FLOATING FREE
SELF HATE – SELF ESTEEM
LOVE REJECTOR – ALLOWING LOVE
IMPRISONED – FEELING LIKE A BIRD
Some things I cannot add yet as in being resolved.
Maybe they never will be resolved, which is ok too, because I can handle it by now.
A few things I consider as not being resolved are these:
FEAR OF REJECTION
FEAR OF LOVE TO BE TOO CONSUMING
FEAR OF CLAIMS, EXPECTATIONS AND OBLIGATIONS
RUNNING AWAY FROM INTIMACY
Oh Lord I give myself away now don’t I . . .
Is there an end anyway?
Well yes, when I die . . ^^
Before that, nooooooooooooooooooo, neverrrrrrrrrrr.
I also do not want endings so much, except when it really kills me inside and makes my life miserable. That part HAS ended in my present life. Feeling miserable and rather be dead. Feeling like a waste of time and not of any value is not very helpful to enjoy a life. I now know I have value, well for some at least. I do not need many and even feel not comfy with the many people I do not understand or vice versa. But the few ones that have touched me, really touched me, have become a love mark, a sweet extra layer I embrace and wrap myself into totally. Like a coming home to how life is supposed to be. Free of fears and full of desires and happiness. A safe space to show oneself and all special treats, no matter how odd those can be to others.
So yes, I feel more free than ever I just realised today. Creating F. E. A. R. and the movie as extra focus, zooming into the deeper levels of my mind, were a catalyst and reminder to myself how every meet with someone special is a meet with myself and brings me to a new perception on life. All meets with others we have add to this never ending process we call maturing and healing. They generate new feelings and thoughts every single day, interacting with the new realities of every day. It was and is fascinating to see myself run to and away from safety, dive into risks and fears, drown into feeling love(d) and reject or be rejected love. To process my own fears on the unresolved parts is a challenge I like. I can hate it as well of course when in the middle of it and no idea how the heck to find the way out, but then I tell myself a mind is like a labyrinth. So bloody easy to get in . . . and linger and smile and feel like having to solve a riddle, until you start to develop the idea there is no exit maybe . . . or only lightyears away. Then I can choose to do 2 things:
- Panic and mess up my own calm way of persisting to get where I want to get
- Smile at myself and say . . . hey you walked in yourself, so get your ass up and do what has to be done to find the way out
In general my ways follow both paths. As if I need the first choice before I can get to the second more reasonable one and get myself together again. The first one always is a bit grrrrrr inside because I know very well what it is I am doing wrong, just no control. But when taking back control on that part of myself, the world is sweet again. It even can lead to just choose the labyrinth to be my favourite spot where I want to sit and think and feel all that is inside and what only can be reached when still inside the no exit zone. I sometimes suspect myself to even unconsciously avoiding the exit maybe. Because that often feels as the only place where I can be me 100 percent. No one looking, no one knowing, no one asking things, no one expecting things. When I know I am being cared for no matter what an exit does emerge however. And to accept that is more bliss than gluing myself into the labyrinth forever with just me, myself and I. It happens . . . not often, I find such exits. And to then meet the peace of mind that is present behind that door is unlike me, a rare gacha in SL terms, but cherished deeply. My cherishing someone can be lethal I often say . . very intense and squeezing every value they have as if it is my last hug on earth. Harmless (well I hope . . .) but charming I suppose. If not I just think to be cute and sweet but am not, also an option. That last one marks the ever present insecurities clearly.
People about F.E.A.R.
I do not like to show off and insist to tell you what I write below is not meant as such either. I just like to show how making F.E.A.R. brought me many incredible sweet meets and comments I never would have thought to happen. I will make a short summary and in my own words to not use chat text of others without permissions just like that.
1. Wonderful calming space
2. The best place I have ever seen
3. Incredible attention for detail
4. Very personal and creative
5. Thank you for this sim, it has become my favourite place
6. Is there a tip jar? I like to support to keep the sim open.
7. Would you want to make this space for me as well at my own sim?
8. Wow, just wow, I could die here.
9. You have a remarkable feeling of aesthetics
10. Would you marry me . . . (yes really lol . . )
Of course many do not speak and just sit and relax or do sex or park for several hours only, but the ones that did speak were so very kind and complimenting I felt like they see me as someone who can do magic, where I cannot of course. All I can do is show myself and what I like. If that feels like magic to others, that is a nice side effect my psychologist would say (yeah I have one, and she is cherished too) but don’t lose your head into that too much. Enjoying the comments and allowing them to motivate you and uplift you is ok, but take your own inspiration as main lead, always. So that is basically what I did. Do what I wanted to do because I felt something inside that wanted a face, something to touch and see and hear. But I am very grateful for all sweet comments, the many many visitors and how they enjoy themselves at F.E.A.R. Thank you all for energising, inspiring and motivating me :)
Just watch it I would like to ask you. Saves me explaining it here in words. There is a very personal touch in it I do not even want to put in words. That would cross some lines I do not want to cross in a public space like here. In short the machinima is my way of experiencing the creation of F.E.A.R. and what it did with me. One of the things it did is this, I can reveal that part. I planned to open the sim for one month only. July would be the month I would take the sim back toe become my private heaven and self chosen solitary confinement in optima forma. But I changed my mind. F.E.A.R. has become a feeling. Something that deserves and needs more than just me as a strange hermit on her mountain. I feel like sharing it despite also still being an incurable hermit who needs solitude and silence a lot. I have to credit not only myself for doing this, I have to credit you as visitors as well. It made me see not all people are like . . . GO AWAYYYYYYY please. I think it is more me myself that will go away anyway when I hear too much bangings at the door or too much wanting from me in a way I do not want to give back. Luckily for you F.E.A.R. has a clear exit . . . you never will get lost. Sometimes a door can be closed however, when I want privacy. I then will make a small part of the sim a no go zone for visitors or with access to friends only. If that is the case you will see ban lines and you will need another exit strategy of F.E.A.R. ^^ That’s soooo peanuts, because you only have to log off to RL or TP out to your own labyrinths. With special thanks to 2 visitors who were kind enough to dance with me for filming it. Thanks a lot for that to Fay and Isabella !
The numbers if you want to know ( I did apparently . . )
This is from June first to July 18
Where is it again?
There you go:
And just a reminder . . . .