Expectations are love killers

All we need is love

When it comes to love, either in RL or SL, there often are many misunderstandings. I write this blog with SL love in mind, but it is not limited to that of course. SL avatars represent RL humans. The ones telling they can separate that are aliens to me. You only can choose to make different priorities in how you love. I love love, love being in love, love being loved and all that it gives. But I like the being deeply connected part of it most. The sharing of minds and intimacy, the feeling safe and free to open up without being judged, the being felt as safe to the other, mutual acceptance of imperfections, etc etc. Just to be able to both seek shelter as well as give it, to cry your heart out and laugh till your stomach aches both.

It looks so easy when in love, because in such a mood we see the world a bit pink and more beautiful than it actually is. I guess the best time to check again is when that pink colour fades away into a more realistic palette of multiple colours from warm to cold. To know also some less perfect elements of each other, or at least know the fears and insecurities in each other that were invisible when too much in the being in love mood. 

 

Speed bonding

It always amazes me how fast being / falling in love can happen in a world like SL. I think that is pretty exclusive for virtual love. In RL I do not see myself act like I do in SL. Maybe because we go to a core quite direct and feel less hesitations to share personal feelings as avatar behind a screen. It creates a bond I never really have felt to exist in RL connections in the same pace and depth. I call it speed bonding. Sit and cuddle for instance is something I never will do in RL as fast and easy I can do it in SL. NOOO, do not ask me now to do that with YOU, I only say I can feel like that with a few persons once in a while and it even can be a one time thing, because the given moment made it feel natural and ok.  It also always amazes me how fast such an act can have very unwanted consequences. To be seen as the perfect lover all of a sudden, as the muse, or when you are a man, the prince on his white horse who makes you his exclusive special girl. That is where all my antenna’s will start to signal me to get myself out of there   . . .

 

Expectations are love killers

Sorry, but that scares the hell out of me . . .
In most cases I therefore stay away from all intimacy or give clear warning signs (during a cuddle   . . .  how romantic I am  . . ) that this does not mean I will be their girl or more.  I even am capable to tell someone I cuddle with, I also will do that with others, to make sure they do not feel like being exclusive or the only special person on earth for me. Fact is there are many special persons for everyone. Some fit because they share the same hobby, others because they have great humour and a few rares because almost all matches in a way it almost becomes creepy that such a feeling even exists. The ones I call the rares are maybe the most dangerous ones to not make mistakes with like becoming a pair like in RL. I am not against partnering and being a pair, do not get me wrong, but it has to be done with great care and only is ok when it has no negative impact and consequences. Especially expectations are total love killers. Love in itself already is brutal and chaotic, it faces outbursts of passion in attraction and rejection when past the pink bubble, because no one is perfect. To also develop unrealistic expectations will only fuel the relation in a negative way with attraction losing its very own attraction.  I partnered once in SL and it was not a success really.  No regrets either because it also was sweet and warm, but as soon as the expectations ruined my love and made me reject all attempts to heal it, it became a point of no return. The times I told myself to never do it again are countless. But love is not something you do only, it just happens as well  . .

 

So what if love happens?

To meet someone I really like in a way that feels like deep love is not very common in SL, but when it happens I now try to be more sensible and stay independent as much as I can, also wanting to be able to live my SL without them, no matter how sad that maybe is sometimes when that becomes a reality (due to whatever reason). I cannot put my happiness into the hands of a virtual love connection. Yes it is real love, I know, and virtual love sounds lame and makes it look futile, but I mean to say virtual love has a ‘happy bubble’ risk more than RL love, even after the pink moods. It would need a RL test to really know if compatibility and chemistry stand strong as well when being in the same space and sharing a life together. To put myself at the risk of granting the same value to virtual love as RL love I just cannot do. I do sometimes, I admit, when in my ‘weak’  happy bubble moments, but it never becomes a permanent state of mind. This also has to do with my being married happily ofc, but I think also as single I always will take the safe route of keeping it on a safe distance that feels close enough to love deep but also has space enough to escape when deep love results in too much expectations I cannot and do not want to fulfill. In that respect I like to quote a part of an article I find really good. It is written by E.B. Johnson on Medium.com.

 

Letting go of expectations.

When we’re really in love, we’re able to let go of all our expectations and let our love just be.

Instead of expecting the other person to be smarter or more outgoing, we can set our expectations aside and love our other half for who and what they are.

Acceptance in love is true and absolute, with no expectation of compensation later on down the road.

True love has no expectations. It’s the ultimate “as is” contract. It is unconditional and without limitations. If you’re really in love, stop trying to change the other person. If that’s not acceptable, it might be time to walk away and reflect.

 

An absence of the petty.

Having “the real thing” has a funny way of making all our pettiest instincts disappear. When you share a genuine connection with someone, all those nasty fears and insecurities seem to flutter away. Rather than feeling jealous or possessive, you feel calm and secure. Rather than feeling envious or fearful, you feel empowered and confident.

True love leaves you reassured in who you are as a person and allows you to let go of those negative emotions that can be so damaging to your internal and external worlds.

Jealousy does not equal love. It never has and it never will. Our insecurities are revealed through our jealousies, but our confidence is displayed in the strength of our love.

 

No more hide and seek.

People in the midst of genuine love no longer feel the need to hide things from one another. They share their lives openly because they want to, and they’ve learned the going is easier when you can share it with someone else.

Being in love has a funny way of causing us to forget our insecurities and prioritize the needs of someone else. Rather than existing in a total state of selfishness, you come to live in an in-between state of respect that causes you to want to be your best with the other person, no matter what.

When you’re in love, you no longer need to hide who you really are. You’re accepted — flaws and all.

 

I think that simply says it all.
Feel free to love and be loved, also in SL, but keep it clean from expectations that conflict with what love is all about. Not always easy, but love is not made to be easy. If you dislike being in such a challenge, you better stay away from all love is my advice :)

 

Source and full article >>> VERY good read, I recommend:

 

View at Medium.com

E.B. Jonhson:

Writer and entrepreneur with a passion for positive psychology, relationships and mental health. Founder @ Dragr LLC.
about.me/EBJohnson

Medium member since January 2019

 

Intentions can be a bitch as well

When we meet persons we like and love or when we meet people of whom we think to have that potential, we tend to be careful with not hurting or getting hurt ourselves. We have the intention to do it wise and controlled. We let each other know that intention as well as a kind of extra protection shield for ourselves to not be seen as bad and hurtful. We then can always say   . . . ‘hey I told you it was not my intention’  . . .

On one hand I like this habit, not a bad one at all in itself. But when things go in a way we do not like so much , regardless of it being an expectation mistake or not, it will hurt anyway when it concerns something really close to your personal vulnerabilities like feeling not good enough, feeling rejected, feeling used etc. To then hear  . . ‘hey I told you it was never my intention to hurt you’, is a bit like falling from the stairs and the stairs telling you it was not made for that reason. We all mean well is what I try to believe, with the best intentions as well, but we cannot prevent to put ourselves at the risk of hurts when getting closer than sharing a cup of coffee so to speak.

And then there is this: We also can expect expectations in someone else, or think to sense them, and with that project our own fears on the other person who maybe does not have those expectations none whatsoever. They can be created by the one fearing them itself. So having no expectations also means you should be free of expecting them to show up in others, otherwise your mind still will be blocked to feel and love in a free way.  That can be  very complex, especially when having had negative experiences that only confirmed your own fears so far. So never tell me love is easy  . . . .  it so is not :))  But it can be great even so, despite all hurdles we meet and need to take. Always a matter of time, evolvement and improvement. And above all I think a matter of accepting that things are as they are. If the sky is the limit, fine, enjoy all the stars you can see from there, if the ground is the limit, fine as well, enjoy the roots you still can feel to be at your feet and feel safe and warm with that.  We need not to want to change what cannot be changed other than by someone itself. If that other cannot change or does not want to change there will be a reason for it. Fight it is useless. Accept it keeps them closer than you might think. And last but not least: COMMUNICATE and be freaking honest when doing so  . . .

 

Ok tell us Yoon, who did you meet 

First and foremost I always meet myself to start with, because it is me who meets and decides to give feelings space and show myself. Meeting myself is like meeting a never ending podcast  . . . and no on/off button if you know what I mean. I start to analyse every single thought and feeling that will surface and create a storm of emotions, desires, passions and a big mess. While doing so I meet my protector shields and try to keep them up. That sometimes works, but clearly not always. When the shields are lowered it must mean it is someone capable penetrating my mind deep enough by just being there and showing himself as well, making me curious and feeling a match I do not want to deny.  Only after a while I will meet the other at the same level of analysing him and his thoughts and feelings like I do with myself. That can go wrong, overanalysing, or can result in a beautiful understanding of what is happening and how to deal with it best to preserve it in a safe way. I met several really nice people the last few months, partly because the sim I manage brought visitors I sometimes bumped at or they at me. Others I met somewhere else on the grid. And yes that’s what made me write this today. Not an exclusive lover of any kinds, but because of the way of connecting I now practice and  like so much better. Feel completely free of obligations and expectations.  Maybe I write this to convince myself I can do it that way   . .  maybe I write this because already doing it that way,  maybe I write this as extra hint to the ones I show myself to. Whatever it is, I just am happy with this way, that much is clear.

 

Is this not just close friendship only?

No, I like to call it more than that. No sexual element but something we could call intellectual and emotional value? Like women can have another woman as friend and share all . .   that idea. Close friendship extended version, something like that. Well, if you do not get it, you may never have felt it, or I am weird, but this is for me what is going on and I cherish it very much. And yes I also realise this still can be a bit pink maybe and will pass in time. That is all ok. The moments we share will never be moments to regret. So that to me is worth all possible outcomes on the long term. Who knows we are married in 50 years time, somewhere in an undiscovered heaven, where avatars go to after SL dies :P

 

Who is it?  Or they?

Sorry, my brain suddenly appears to have a defect: selective memory and such.
Happens with close friendships extended to my memory part of the brain.
Overload of data to store and maintain.
Too little RAM  inside me . .

 

Truth or dare

Since there is not a one and only truth in this, it has to be dare I suppose. It all is about how we feel it and explain it. But what we feel can be very authentic and real. It would be stupid to deny that and call it fake or makebelieve. That is telling yourself you are fake and cannot be trusted. Not a good way. Monitoring and moderating oneself is something different than deny or distrust your feelings. So, even it looks like an ugly truth, a naked truth, a too good to be true truth, a fearful truth . . .  all is being shaped and coloured by how we interact with ourselves and with each other. That maybe is the only truth I could define as to be always true  . . .  we can make it or break it  . . .  and that can be done unintended yet harmful or intended and loving plus all possible variations in between. For myself all I know is that my heart feels like big enough to love people in a way I may allow myself without hurting the one my heart belongs to in RL.  His heart is big enough to see I have space left, granting me  I need and use that space, to not miss beautiful connections like I feel now. To have such acceptance in RL, also the other way around, is a blessing I think. It prevents hiding things, become secretive and dishonest to each other and give SL a feeling to be bad for me or him.

Even so …
Love is for daredevils .
Dare you?
I dare you (no not with me, but just for you yourself)
Have a good trip walking on the edges of expectations, intentions and realities,
If you fall  . . . .  don’t blame me for daring you.
It always is you  yourself  making that choice : -)

 

Question

Is it only me or does sex in SL create this idea in many that it means you now are ‘partner material’
The muse or the prince on his white horse, the extra special one  . .
Or even cuddles being explained like that   . . . .
To share intimacy is not meaningless of course.
I myself only can when I feel something like a  bond, but to relate it to huge things like now being the ultimate lover . . .
That really is to me a ticket to THE END.
Why would such an act have to result in closing my heart all of sudden for the space I need as well, also in SL
Stop meeting and liking and loving people that also are wonderful?
Neglect my RL love and priority to make SL love more important?
Hmm, still don’t get that and never will.
But again, maybe I am the weird one here, also possible.

 

Pink

I never like pink so much, exceptions there and depending a bit on the mood as well.
But a too pink heart is not good  . .
It means you still float in a pink bubble distorting your view.
Handy for RL love, it is meant to enhance the bonding.
In SL I prefer it a bit less pink.
Pink ish? Yeah that’s ok I guess ^^

Something like this :)
Just love and enjoy being together.

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