Disengage from chaos

Chaos

My final post (laughs hard) on SLOAP and SLOVE

Well ok, never say never, but I consider it final at this very moment and that moment is longer than one day old,  which is pretty old for my habits in writing on a change that feels essential again. SL Soap and SL Love deserve their own words, so I call them SLOAP and SLOVE in this blog. My most recent blog in my SLOAP and SLOVE series was about being into a transformation to a less tight and more tight bond between DD and me. The less tight seems to have won that in a pretty fast and furious race of new developments of which we knew they could happen.  This result is not because of the presence of unwillingness, but because certain changes just were too intrusive and  it was bound to happen when doing a 180 degree turn.  I also am the kind of person who will feel too much stress  and pressure (from myself) to make it all perfect and workable. Maybe I like to please more in such a case than benefit or feel ok myself with it. Sort of show an attitude like ‘Hey I / we can do this’, but then feel the mind battle back with its own presets and uncontrollable emotional impact. So, the intentions were good and present, and I/we also acted on them in the best possible way I suppose, but it is like stirring into an explosive substance which will implode the relation sooner or later.

 

When starting a ‘thing’ as exclusive love ( I don’t know a better word but dedicated sounds less silly) I think it is probably impossible to try to change it into less exclusive just like that, especially when only one of the two is practicing it. It creates a strange friction, an unbalanced situation of not feeling the same anymore in dedicating and belonging. When starting a ‘thing’ as non-exclusive you already know from the start it is like that and totally ok because not having a deep bond already making you feel more special than others.

 

So, that’s what went wrong and I don’t think that can be fixed into how it once was again. But ok, also here and most certainly with our record (coughs)   . . .  never say never. If it can be fixed it will be a miracle and not on the short term due to the new love attachment so to speak. No matter how much the other one wants to keep you in as A, or even THE special one, it does not work for me and it would be foolish to pretend it does. It is not about being jealous actually, maybe that only was at the start a bit and a normal human response, but it is about realising SLOVE is a lot of magic thinking when it comes to believing we can do things in Second Life we cannot do in RL without facing the always penetrating thoughts of losing the ultimate feeling of love when someone else enters that special space as well.  It brings chaos and stress. And since I don’t like chaos and stress in Second Life I will disengage when it happens (if I can). Second Life has to stay free of that as much as possible for me, SLove as well. It is worth to do a lot of effort when you meet a special person, but it has to stay healthy and balanced, just like in a RL relation.

 

 

How about just taking a break

At first I just wanted to take some time indeed to reset and find a new balance in all of this, but then some things happened which made me see how useless end endless this would become when keeping myself into this circle of attract and reject. It only will create a bigger chaos and finally destroy all, where I now at least can look back with gratitude on how it was before this new development. A feeling to have given my best and facilitating certain wishes of more space for someone who maybe can give more love than I ever will be able to do, due to my RL limitations and dedications.

 

So, it’s over after all, but less dramatic and more taking in consideration it is better to be away from the epicenter of it all. And apparently SLOVE continues to be that tricky feeling between magic and real. When nothing disturbs that bubble it feels like super real. But earthquakes, storms or hurricanes will change the landscape and all is different all of a sudden. Magic literally will be blown away, leaving you with a view on a delusional past, or at least that’s how it looks when surrounded by broken bits and pieces and no glue anymore. Being in love is a bit delusional in itself and ok of course, but when magic becomes tragic you simply fall.

 

 

Oh oh, so now you are   . . . .

No, I am not broken to be clear. I guess I already prepared myself for this since a few weeks, feeling the changes slowly but securely take more space and becoming more dominant than Major Dom himself ( and believe me, it takes a lot to beat that^^) .  I think it is ok to sometimes just be confronted with our own limits and  to test challenges that will show us a reality and perception we lose when too much into magic and make believe. We broke up so many times anyway for other reasons less big, I kind of got used to the feeling it always can happen again.

 

So better like this than ending up in a grand soap finale with juicy details for gossip shit and bad mouthing. No bad words here for what was. Only maybe some for what we tried and handled bad (hmm ok let’s not call it bad but inexperienced and not up to this together). It’s very easy to go into naming, shaming and blaming, which I once did as well I think, but that’s not going to happen here and now from my side. All I can do is be grateful for what we had and shared, a big big love. My love is not gone, but the relation has become too complex to feed that love in the proper way and I rather save the game now than risk to kill all when going into new high voltage chapters.

 

To disengage oneself from a hard but intense relation is not easy, but I feel peace in doing so considering all facts and changed scenery. I hope the other persons in this scenery can feel nice as well in a certain way. Not because it leaves a gap, of course it does, also in me, and a heart bleeding for having lost a precious feeling of being unbreakable, but I also believe one day this will proof itself to have been the best decision for all. Maybe the ‘keep out’ for now will one day be a ‘keep in’, but less magical and more realistic. Unbreakable is not realistic, breakable is. But I do like to believe in the first more :)

 

Half Waif – Keep it out

This song kind of matches I think. I heard it in the great Netflix series ‘Orange is the new Black’, season 7.

 

Keep it out, keep it in
If everybody is searching for the same shelter
Why does anyone think it’s theirs to know?
Collective bodies so hungry for the touch of a stranger
Magic contact, believe you’re not alone
Keep it out, keep it in
I’ll keep you out, so you never see me unraveling
We seek to settle, we make a home
It’s fun for a little, but soon it’s old
And so it withers like all the rest
Till we’re sleeping like strangers
On the opposite sides of the bed
Keep it out, keep it in
I’ll keep you out, so you never see me unraveling
You want all the promises made
But I don’t have the energy to suffice
Watch me while I disengage
You might even feel nice
—-

La Boxeuse Amoureuse – Arthur Higelin

This song was posted as comment on the blog picture via Flickr and because it also fits so well I decided to add it. A fantastic clip too btw.
English lyrics below for non French ppl like me.
Merci Mi!
—-

The boxer in love

Watch her dance
When she approaches the ring
The boxer in love
The boxer in love

On her golden gloves
Traces of blood
Tears and sweat
And blood and blood

She dodges the blows
The boxer in love
She absorbs everything
The boxer in love

Boom-boom, the uppercuts
Hit her face
But she never stops
To dance, to dance

Falling is nothing
Because she gets up
A smile on her lips
A smile on her lips

She dodges the blows
The boxer in love
She absorbs everything
The boxer in love

She dodges the blows
The boxer in love
She absorbs everything
The boxer in love

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