Virtual ramblings

Unexpected changes

It took me by surprise

A few weeks ago I expected to enter a period of feeling low and a bit sad and lonely due to my husband being gone for 6 months (read here why). I indeed was a short while, which was ok and normal of course, but to now feel a whole new kind of energy and motivation to make it all work well and feeling the total opposite of low is the least of what I expected as next phase. It really took me by surprise how a mind can be boosted by the absence of a loved one. And no, don’t get me wrong, I would love to have him back here instantly and I am not in some state of being relieved and feel free of husband whatever things. But apparently my mind has shifted into feeling responsible more than normal for things not going bad here at my side of world. I do not want to be in a bad or sad mood for my husband and be able to tell him I feel good, happy and strong. I want him to not  have to worry about anything concerning me, where I can have panic attacks and insecure periods that make me stay in the house and lock myself in my safe ‘cage’.  Hard to explain, because at the same time I am not exactly the type with an inferiority complex and can be quite outspoken en determined in what I want, say and do, but when the ultimate trigger hits me at the ultimate moment, all of that can be knocked down for quite a while and no one or nothing can make that undone, except time and myself taking control again.

So what happened?

I made a few changes in my habits. One of them is Second Life. I am less involved and reduced my online time. Not because I dislike Second Life or feel guilty to spend time there, but because I invest more time in RL things I want to succeed. I started sorting out all kinds of drawers, cupboards and many corners with stuff needing to be arranged or thrown away. The garden needs a lot of work as well. The second thing I changed is food. I never was a bad food eater too much, but also not especially super healthy. My cookings and recipes for breakfast, lunch and dinner were managed on auto-pilot, because easy, not too time-consuming and satisfying certain tastes we learned to like.  Now I switched to low carb food. In general that means no bread, rice, pasta and potatoes and instead take a whole range of seeds, nuts and fruit and vegetables. I always thought it would taste less well, because so used to my general food, but the use of home made dressings and herb mixes and incredible tasty smoothies, really made me feel better than ever mentally and physically. Even when you would consider the influence of a possible placebo effect (I want to feel good , so all I eat makes me feel good anyway) I cannot deny certain physical changes defenitely being free of any placebo influence. So for me it works, simple as that. I even lost some weight , which always is nice when not being a ‘natural’ super skinny top model (which I dislike btw, because too much and not very healthy as well).

 

Miss Meow

Another special case is miss cat. Since my husband left she changed as well. She does not want to sleep anymore on her usual place, next to his seat in the living room downstairs. Instead she comes to sleep at our bed upstairs at his side, next to me. She checks the house every day, listening and looking for sounds of him. She started to eat less, now slowly going back to normal and adores  to be given cuddles, strokes and attention more than before. Very attached, expressing herself with meows I never heard before.  She is so cute, I just have to give her more attention and sit with her near me in the veranda a few hours per day. Buddies! And never tell me cats do not miss someone . . . . ..   they DO!!!

Conclusion

All of these changes brought me in a more RL than SL kind of existence and I feel good with that for now. Maybe it will change back again soon, or when  my husband is back, I have no idea. It is not some verdict over SL, because when I am online I like it like I always do, just a bit more detached and less intense. RL just is perfect enough for a good life with plenty happiness for now. SL stays the perfect extension of RL, yet never will be a replacement and fulfilling enough on its own, where RL does have that power when you create your own challenges and feel motivated to make things work. My present situation is proof of  how motivation can be pushed to a higher level due to feeling more responsibilities, even if they are small. For me they are quite big however, considering how I sometimes had a tendency to choose the easy way out when having a shit day with panic attacks. I would stay at home and wait for the next day. Tired of fighting against fears. Now I wait as well, but not till the next day.  Because I want it, because I feel more energy to try again and because no backup person for doing what I failed to do (shoppings or something else). I ‘simply’ have to kick my own ass to get things done and damn I am good at it, against all odds:)  That’s why I choose for Nina today. She sings about how I feel.

 

FEELING GOOD

Birds flying high, you know how I feel
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel
Breeze driftin’ on by, you know how I feel

[Refrain]
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life for me, yeah
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life for me, ooh
And I’m feeling good

[Verse 1]
Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River running free, you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree, you know how I feel

[Refrain]
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life for me
And I’m feeling good

[Verse 2]
Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don’t you know?
Butterflies all havin’ fun, you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done, that’s what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world, for me

 



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