I know since a long while I would not be able to sleep this specific night. I tried, I really did, even went to bed before midnight, which is pretty rare for me, but the harder I tried the more awake I became. I now wonder why I even tried. Why start a ‘mission’ of which you know it will fail. I guess because I wanted to feel closer like that with my husband who will leave for 6 months on a United Nations mission. To be there, next to him, to look at him and feel him. That’s not a bad reason is it? Another thing failed as well. I wanted to go to bed without tears, but after laying down the tears started to come anyway. Goodbyes just suck. So I forgive myself for failing and for being emotional for one or 2 days and then I hope to be done, because self-pity is a bit of a bitch and not ok. That’s why I am here now, in the middle of the night, typing my thoughts and feelings, to feel better and use words instead of tears to relax and get this ‘thing’ out of my brain.
At the same time I am glad to not have to endure 40-50 degrees Celsius every day and to be surrounded with the normal comfort myself. And I am proud at my husband. For doing an effort in a part of the world where safety is not guaranteed and where people suffer from terrorism and wars. Peace will not be reached so easily or maybe never, but at least some sort of monitoring to prevent worse and stabilise parts of the country, is a start. I know it often is being seen as useless, I tend to think so myself as well when seeing so many efforts being ruined again after a while. But I consider this a typical 3 steps forward, 2 steps back kind of process and at least some progress or relative peace where otherwise many would have been killed ruthlessly.
I cannot even imagine how it must feel to be in danger every day. How danger becomes a routine. It must be terrible to grow up like that as a child. Considering that, I only can be grateful to be alone for 6 months, as my small offer to hopefully more peace far away and with that also more world peace. Now I sound like John Lennon, but his peace effort was of another kind so to speak :) Because alas, words alone do not always work and sometimes an intervention or a peacekeeping mission is the least worst of options. I really do not like the war machinery behind the curtains, of politicians, and the insane amount of weapons it generates, just I do think we have a responsibility to sometimes help when we can, even if it is in (combat) uniforms I never could wear myself. Pacifism (oh hell yes I marched like crazy for it as young adult) often is a bit like doing nothing while people kill each other. Protests, articles and songs about peace are nice and needed as well, but to act at the place itself with peacekeeping efforts can be more effective. Yes I know, it sounds odd, combat uniforms and peace, but no uniforms and stay away often is a ticket to war and crimes. A UN mission not being needed would be the best of course, but the world is not that simple and many powerful forces in the world mess up for their own selfish reasons, leaving a mess behind. BTW, John Lennon wasn’t the pacifist we’ve turned him into: Re-imagine
Always look at . . .
So I guess the saddest thing is we live in a fucked up world. People make war about everything. And for what? Power, money, religion, minerals, oil, weapons. If only we could neutralise that system of wanting more of everything and wanting to rule the world, we would be able to share wealth and feed the world in an equal way. We are sick, totally sick, the human race and its disgusting aggression. The only way to survive this sickness is to look at what brings happiness and to not forget and cherish all good that surrounds us as well. That’s exactly what I am going to do and in general always try to do, so here you go . . .
Even so, goodbyes suck, like I said before. I would not want to miss them but also would want to skip them and launch myself to the next day in time.In 1 hour I will say goodbye and feel like shit. The mission I so failed at this night will be accomplished anyway. I will feel closer than ever to the one I love most. Because when someone is gone, you feel him or her in such an intense way, it almost hurts. I always call missing someone a good thing, not when it is forever of course, but as a temporary raised awareness of knowing how he or she matters in your life. Not that I do not know that and I also do not believe in needing lessons of learning to value the other more, but the fact this situation will be my present situation for a while simply makes me feel it more and that means there is a lot of love in the air, which is good.